MY STORY IS UGLY BUT AT LEAST IM LEARNING #2

[Zues126]

We discussed the intent to file that night. it did get heated between us both as we argued some over details and the fact that I felt she was leaving because she is involved with OM.

The next morning W said the night before that she was very saddened by the situation and how she was hurting me and how I was feeling but that she was not changing her mind on filing. We argued back and forth a again. I backed off arguing as she said I was pressuring her by asking her to reconsider, we parted ways.

She agreed to go with me to see my new Therapist that afternoon to discuss filing. My therapist spent an hour telling W that the marriage was very fixable and could be saved. She said your H is on the right path for permanent change and I am asking you to hold off on filing and lets work together together to save this M as it is worth it. She explained to my W her experiences dealing with divorced families and how it affected children and adults for life. She asked her multiple times to reconsider and delay. The W cried a lot but remained firm in her talk that she was done and could give no more to the M.

Stop. Trying. To. Control. Your. Wife.

You seem to think that you have done something right by 'backing off', but you only backed off because you couldn't pound herinto doing what you wanted her to do. It is clear that despite everything she says you are ten times more focused on how you feel and why she's wrong than you are on trying to understand what she feels. The result is that you only force her to voice her opinions more loudly and cement her position. And to feel justified that as long as she's with you she can never be her own person because you will beat her into submission.

I reacted the same way...for the FIRST night. Then I found DB and FOLLOWED THE 37 RULES.

Even still she didn't return...yet...but that is because it is a LONG journey, not a quick fix.

If you are serious about this road you will have to realize you don't get to follow your emotions. That approach got you here. You will have to play by the rules, let her go, and take care of yourself. The "I want what I want when I want it" addict mentality is just proving her right. If you want her to be able to think she made a mistake at some point you'll have to show her that with you behavior, not tell her with words which is more of the same.

Are you ready to start over and follow the path in front of you?

PS- Divorce or no divorce I am glad you're abstaining and trying to deal with this to the best of your ability. No one can take that away from you and I understand it's not easy. I just would like to see you save your M. Telling yourself 'you're doing your best doesn't get your M back. By the way, are you still abstaining?