I know there are no guarantees but.....

[NDY]

Hi toots. I didn't realise you were in the UK also. I'd like to hear more about this divorce recovery workshop if you could spare the time on my thread? XFit14. I'm on your side dude. I'm still reeling from this as well. Working on it and every day gets better but at the same time I feel every day she moves just a little further away. That's the hard part for me.

[sandi2]

I guess what I am having trouble with is how easy it all seems for her to move on....especially given what we went through together.
Do vows and promises and dreams and goals not mean anything anymore??
Does, "He stood by me through all of this I can't leave him." ever come into a woman's mind? She KNOWs I wasn't going anywhere.

I won't say all WW's don't think about the vows, promises, and dreams made with their S. Honestly, when I was deep in the fog/affair, I do not recall thinking about my vows at all. It's terribly embarrassing to admit, but that was the state of mind I had at the time. The emotions and feelings of the WW are in charge, which means, she is not going to fairly and realistically sort through all those promises and dreams and recall how her H stood by her. Even if she did, it would not change her mind. No matter how good a person he may be, he still comes out on the losing end.....in her frame of mind. She is a mess. She clings to a fantasy, and her emotions tell her she deserves to have happiness, and unfortunately, she believes this is the only way.

It is about timing, and about the difference in men and women in their relationships. In most cases, the woman tries to tell her H how she feels and what she wants in the MR. Time goes marching by and her emotional needs are not met, so little by little she begins to shut down to him. For whatever reason, he fails to realize what is really happening, and some men don't have a clue there's a problem. Many say the W never told them in a way that got their attention. Really sad! By the time she feels completely done and tells him it's over, he is ready to start working. Their timing is completely off.

In many, many cases, the W associates all her unhappiness/emotional pain to her H. She feels the only escape from the unhappiness is to get out of the M. Some just don't know how to resolve the problems, so they jump ship.

It may take a couple of years, or longer, to get back together. That does not mean we are saying you should wait for her. I think you have to make that decision for yourself.

And again....I know what you and some others have said that if I am learning I should remain here but I just feel like....like people read the story and see that I am recently divorced and think....ok well that one is done and move on to the next person that is still on the brink. (I am not trying to be mean....to anyone....just thinking out loud in type)

You must get over this type of thinking here. That is not how we see you. The fact you are D has little to do with how much others may post. Weekends are always slow on the board. When you don't post, the replies usually slow down. And sometimes, if you don't have questions, updates, or something........we may not always know what to say next. Just don't think we've moved on to somebody who isn't D.

As Cadet told you, this is the grieving period. The only way to get through it is to feel the grief, mourn over your loss, and give it suffient time. Healing takes time. If you want encouragement to hope for a future with her, then okay, but you still need to get through this process. I believe it's important not to become obsessed with getting her back, like some have done. Neither make any radical decisions to find another romance right away. I wish there was an easier way around it, but if there is, I don't about it.

It is important to have support during this time. Don't spend too much time alone. Attempt to stay busy, GAL, be involved in something. Another way that can have a healing effect is to reach out to others who could use a helping hand. Maybe some elderly neighbors, shut-ins, run errands, volunteer in some program, and things of that nature. It is a matter of making yourself just "do it", and then one day you realize you are the one who is being helped.

((hugs))

[Vapo]

And as Mozza said, read others' posts, reply to them, offer your thoughts and you will in return get more traffic on your thread. You are not alone. I know you are desperate, it will pass, it may take a turn for the worse for a bit of time, but it will get better. I can promise you that.

Also it can help if you get to Card's or Mozza's thread and read their stories from the beginning and you will see, they to (as we all were) a pile of hot mess from beginning.

So yes, hang in there buddy...

[Dawn70]

XFit, I saw your note on my thread late last week and I am so sorry I am just now getting a chance to read your sitch and comment. In some ways, it seems that our sitches are quite similar. You asked for advice and you have some great folks already giving you advice. All I can tell you is what worked for me. I had to come to the realization that the XH who walked away from me was NOT the same person I married and fell in love with. It has taken a LOT of counseling, a lot of talks with friends and family and quite honestly, anti-depressants to get me to the ok stage. I wish I could have used DB and DR to keep the D from happening, but it is clear to me now that my XH already had his new woman waiting in the wings and NOTHING I did was going to bring him back. I have just really had to focus on me and trying to move forward. I'm lucky that I am REALLY busy at work right now, so that helps occupy my time. I wish I had some magic answer to give you but all I can say is that being on this site, reading what others said and getting feedback from people. There are some GREAT folks here and you have some of the best already commenting: Cadet, Sandi, etc.

Let me just say this, we are all different and going through our own things, but it seems that we occasionally find those who have similar sitches and we feel even more of a kinship.

Xfit, I don't have any earth shattering fix all remedy. Time is going to make a world of difference for me. Time and distance. I, like you, have stepchildren that I still consider mine and it helps to be able to still have a relationshp with them outside of their dad.

Hang in there, keep posting and reading all the wonderful advice and I will check in on you again. Feel free to "talk" to me anytime. I don't know that I have great advice, but I'm always willing to "listen".

((((Xfit))))

[Vanilla]

I hope you realize you're lucky to get such great advice from several vets.

You might want to read my sitch because my WW also left me and lives with an OM. I'm not a success story in the sense of a reconciliation (yet) but I've progressed a lot in the last few months and I can say that I'm feeling better and heading towards happiness. By the way, my MIL detested me so much (by birth) that she ignored her only child (my W) for two years, including the time of our first pregnancy and birth. She did not poison our R like your FIL did though.

Cadet gave you great advice about your changes. Focus on making them, not on how or when she will see them. With your SS16 anyway, there will ways be a channel. Keep in mind that success stories take some 1-2 years. Don't expect anything just now, work on yourself.

Mza, your thread is locked! Humph.......

However he comes a massive 4x4 ten times over with lots of buckets of cold water.

Frankly V is slightly cross with you!

There is a wonderful success story in you. There is the story of the miner who looked for diamonds everywhere, they don't look like polished stones when you find them. They have to be cut by other diamonds because they are hard to cut and polish. But there were diamonds in than miners life under his own feet. Ready to dig and polish.

Mza, YOU are the success you were looking for all along.

V

[Vanilla]

I composed the reply of all replies, but I lost in on the internet somewhere. Then Sandi answered so eloquently.

Really all I can tell you is that WW is lost to herself and please detach from her behaviour as it will help you so much stop the roller coaster.

Detaching is the key, the peace you see on Dawns thread is detachment in action. Her journey is remarkable and there has been so much pain. Detaching means letting go of the outcome. Whilst WW is in this cheese less tunnel and the next one and possibly the one after that, there is little you can do but observe.

please don't follow WW up and down that tunnel, nor put a big net over the entrance, all you will get is a tired angry WW who will behave as if she were a vicious trapped wild thing. She feels free but she isn't. Wherever she goes she takes her issues with her and after many cheese less tunnels that may occur to her.

Some WS become the walking dead looking for cheese and fresh flesh, others become wild angry cheese hunters and others just lie down and sleep hungry in the tunnel for a long time. My own STBX is the angry type and is off down the longest darkest tunnel ever.

Your xWW has gone with a digger to make her tunnel bigger, there is no cheese behind all that sand and if she digs too much the tunnel will cave on her and she will have no choice but to dig to the light.

If you want to DB then this is the right place to get the help, I certainly won't be retiring from the board when I D, and neither has Dawn. Firstly, so much time and love has been given to me here to help me reach this point that I can now pay forward. Secondly I do not want to, my personal growth is linked to DB and it has much to offer me.

I am leaving the road home paved and lit but first H has to find his way out of that tunnel. When he does I stand like the lighthouse beaming in the dark. I am going to need all the help and support I can whatever happens.

I recommend that you Google Tracy McMillan and her TED talk on "the person you should marry". For ease here is the U tube reference, you will need to paste and add http in front. There were some Ted talks that I used to help me detach and I played this one over and over. I can't remember who recommended it, but I will always be grateful.

//youtu.be/P3fIZuW9P_M


It helped me understand the issues a little more thoroughly.

V

[Dawn70]

I haven't posted in a few days. I have been having an extremely rough time. I haven't gotten any messages from anyone on here in a few days either so maybe because I am now divorced I should move on since I didn't bust my divorce.

I know EXACTLY how you feel. My sitch moved very quickly and sometimes I feel almost guilty for being on here and talking about trying to move on alone when the title of this site is divorce busting and I was unsuccessful in busting mine. Ultimately though, X, I continue to come here and post and read because it helps me. In some ways it is better than therapy because while I enjoy my therapy sessions and like my IC VERY much, she has never been divorced. People on here...they KNOW what I am going through, know how it feels, know the reality of the situation from the inside.

I couldn't agree more with what Mozza said above about how you have many vets really giving you a lot of GREAT advice. Hang in there and continue to enjoy that for what it is - solid advice from good folks.

I, too, handled my actual D day well, but was a basket case in the days and weeks after and I, too, had that inner battle not to cry in public, at work, in the car on the way to and from work, anytime someone who didn't know we were D'ing asked how he was in Walmart....you name it, I cried there in the beginning. And, honestly, X, I still have those days. I had one day before yesterday because something sparked a memory and then the waterworks just flowed. Fortunately it was my day off, so I just layed on my couch petting my dog until it passed, but there are still rough days ahead.

X, I'm sorry for hi-jacking you here, but I really did just want to tell you to hang in there and keep posting and getting feedback. It WILL make a difference for you. I assure you!

[XFit14]

Dawn70... Thank you for taking the time to message me back. I haven't been on for a few days. I just needed some time. Work has been kinda nuts (lol more so than usual) and I just needed to ....idk.....try not to THINK about this for five minutes. I know I am getting great advice from people that have been there, done that and made it out the other side or survived. I know it is possible and I know I can and will. I'm just tired of ....this....I'm tired of being left again instead of having found someone (I thought) would never leave me. For better or worse and all that... and in the meantime someone else begins a life with my xW and SS. I just am having trouble getting the 2 + 2 of THAT to = 4.

I have ready through all your posts and you are an inspiration. You seem to have the principles and techniques DOWN cold. I am truly sorry you found out the way you did. I know what that pain feels like. I found out a similar way when I went to pick up my SS to go riding and someone else's truck was parked in the drive at 7:00 in the morning. . . . And to make matters worse....she isn't even hiding it from her son....How does someone just....move on like that??

Anyway this is all old news and I don't expect you, or anyone else to answer those questions. No one knows what her reasons are but her....its just what is running through my head....over and over and over. I know...I need to detatch....
I just popped on to tell you thank you for messaging me. I REALLY appreciate it and will continue to follow your inspirational journey.

[Dawn70]

Thank you for those truly kind words. I just have to do what I have to do for my own sanity. I have the same questions...I still can't fathom how the person who claimed that he would love me forever has ALREADY moved on to someone else and lives with her. I get what you said about having trouble making the 2+2 to = 4....TOTALLY get that. I STILL struggle with that. I don't struggle with it daily, like I did before.

Again, I appreciate the kind words and will continue to follow and comment. Hang in there! It DOES get better.