hey- somehow i pressed button & sent that. anyway- worked like a dog alllll march in that house- lots and lots of cleaning, painting, fixing, looking, remembering - 68 or so years of someone & all of our's lives in that house. etc- got it totallyu allllll ready- and whattya think (no kidding) i'm in cellar saying out loud to self- "okay, floor looks clean (painted it) and this place is f'ing ready- not one more thing to do" and i turn around to admire my tons of work- and there are some flying "ants" that turn out to be termites- so complete rush, dead heat to get estimates on that and the repairs to damaged wood ( began looking like many thousands of bucks to accomplish- but in two short weeks before hopping on plane got extimates from 4 bug guys, & 4 carpenters- got work done- paperwork to hopefully pass inspection and jumped on a plane to england for a month.
so- just got back and here i am. took h to airport yesterday- thought i should go say i'm still alive. i'm not any f urther along as far as the "unstuck" thing.. i was looking back over my other posts in jan. - i swear- what a big fat baby i sound like. i guess when i'm typing it , it's what i'm feeling and thinking.
It was sooo nice and pleasant to get right out of this coutnry and away from that darn house & estate and my sisters- i can't say how sorry i was to co me home. it was so pretty over there at this time of year- i sure love england. s till have that fantasy of just picking up my b uttons and moving there. wh o knows - "in the end" what i might do?? i sure don't.
anyway- it was a really nice trip. i think you are all correct that i am stuck- he's a serial cheater and probably always will be- i still have brain freeze-up when i try and formulate a total- overall sweeping conclusion and decision about my life and his place in it- or out of it and then jump up and do soemthing dramatic to change it all. i still cannot imagine him not being somewhere in my life - and cannot imagine him being somehwere in my life also in light of what he now seems to be (inside). i shut it off - just cannot dive back into the trama of thinking about it all - it makes me feel tired and pressured and otherwise i'm rather "even" lately.
see- just now, even beginning to think about "itr all" - i just shut off- nothing to say- and loath to even think about it. i think - unless forced otherwise - i loosely plan to just plug along, having my little life here, work when it's there, garden, still swearing to de-junk my house. i want to capture the magic of living out of a suitcase in hotel rooms - it was so nice to not have anything to bother with. i'm savoring tht notion and trying to walk around house picking up things that are "non-essential" - making a pile - i intend to just do this. the feeling of lightness with out allll the stuff was so good.
my good buddie from workin days in fla has breast cancer and began writing e-mails while on trip - and expressing her need to be entertained and live vicariously at present- so been reportring in to her about travels, etc - . she's pretty sick- it makes me stop (as usual) (my life at a glance - stopped) and take stock. i'm awful glad to be healthy. i think whatever i do, in the end about this db stuff and this man - - and whatever comes - will just slowly grind into being - i don't think i need to jump up and down and decide things- i am not miserable and i'm grateful for that. he may be someone other than what i thought- but he's affording me an awful lot of freedom to just do whatever the heck i want.
i'm sure you are allll right about me being stuck- i am alright- but at the moment i still feel incredibly tired and just can't seem to dive in and take on more upheaval in life. i just need a bit more placidity . maybe if i could get these two houses sold and all the trouble in this family put away once and for all- i'd feel all sparky and ready to act. i am just not sure what i want- sorry to be soo frustrating here. i don't think i'm depressed - so glad about that.
i am cautiously optimistic about the future - whatever that may hold. ya never know what i may do or what may occur . maybe because i feel like i can walk away and not go under any time i want- i don 't feel pressured to have to make any big gestures or "show him" kind of thing. i'm keeping my thoughts to my self in general and he can just be surprised or whatever he is when i do or become whatever i will.
boy, i sure sound "out there" - sorry gang. it's all i have - life is okay at the moment (no open hostility from any quarter) - i don't want my little boat rockin at all- either way- good or bad - i just wanna float along a bit longer while its quiet. .
oh well - hope you all are great . I haven't got time to go lookin around - will try and find some later. there sure always seems to be too manyu things needing my attention. i'm outta here-
