Wayward Wife and the Way of LRT Pt. 2

[Defacto]

GB,
Thanks again for the support. You have been a friend to me through this miss. Sending a virtual Fat Tire your way, brother.

Now is not the time to be congratulating myself, but I do feel that it went fairly well. I did and said all the things I wanted to do. I wanted to have fun together with the kids. And per W's text message, she enjoyed it too. It is hard to ignore that there was talk of D and of W looking at new houses but I just have to take all of that in stride.

You bring great points about child custody that I haven't considered. However, one reason I don't want child custody to get contentious is that the kids deserve the possible situation if this leads to D. And the best possible situation for them, I believe, requires W and I to have a workable relationship. If I fight for majority custody, which I feel like I might be justified to do, I don't believe it ends well for a co parenting relationship of W and I post divorce. Plus, I know W will resort to those bogus accusations against me that she was throwing around days after I exposed the A to OM's W. We'll see though. Everything is certainly fluid right now. It all depends on what is those pending D papers.

As far as my approach towards W is concerned, I really don't think I need to change anything. W is obviously not wanting to work on M. I just need to continue to move forward on self improvement and detachment. I need to be the best father I can to my wonderful kids. If W calls or I see W, I will be confident, calm, and cordial, yet I will be vulnerable when appropriate.

Am I missing anything?

Like I said, be prepared for her divorce papers to actually BE aggressive and make those assertions about you anyway. Especially if you've got some stuff on her she and her attorney MIGHT NOT want to chance going the nice route only to be shocked by you filings aggressively (see it would be hard for her to amend a nice divorce petition asking for 50/50 and then amend it saying "he's a danger to me and my kids" after that).

Another thought. What your wife is doing to you is abusive. Infidelity is abuse. By going along with it and being so nice to her now and after any divorce exactly what are you modeling to your children? Do you want your children to learn that they should just swallow and accept spousal (or boyfriend/girlfrind) abuse for the good of the family or relationship? That they should rock the boat and they should set aside their feelings and thoughts for everyone else because everyone else matters more than them? Besides, your wife technically isn't co-parenting at all. Like I said above, your wife is an unfit parent right now and if she divorces you she'll remain an pretty unfit mother in varying degrees indefinitely. Your kids need their mother, but they also need as much protection from their selfish entitled mother who will put her happiness paramount to their whenever it suits her.

Last thought. You matter also. You've been abused and yet you're insisting that it's important for the kids that you continue this abusive relationship with your wife even after she abusively divorces you for no good reason. That's not healthy FOR YOU. Your kids need you healthy MORE than they need you and mom pretend sucking up to one another. They need you healthy especially because they have an unhealthy entitled and selfish mother who can and will throw people away when it suits her. Now, I think in time a divorced betrayed spouse can reenter into a workable collaborative post divorce relationship with their wayward ex spouse but certainly not immediately. If she divorces you I think you should seriously consider a "parallel parenting" plan in order for you to detach yourself completely to the fullest extent possible and regain your health after this trial and turmoil where you've been disrespected and robbed of your wife and 50% of your time with your children. In fact, if nothing changes and you see the affair continues full speed ahead, I'd suggest implementing this ASAP during the divorce to drive the point home that this "friendship" won't continue if she actually divorces you.

Some states like Indiana have a statutory parallel parenting plan either spouse can request in the divorce process.

Parallel Parenting

Definition. Parallel parenting is an arrangement in which divorced parents are able to co-parent by means of disengaging from each other, and having limited direct contact, in situations where they have demonstrated that they are unable to communicate with each other in a respectful manner. For intractable high conflict families, parallel parenting provides an opportunity for co-parenting, and although parents remain disengaged from each other they remain fully connected to their children. Within such an arrangement, parents may assume decision-making responsibility in different domains (such as one parent being responsible for medical decisions and the other for education). More often than not, however, they agree on major decisions regarding children’s upbringing but separately decide the logistics of routine, day-to-day parenting.

In many cases, with parallel parenting in place, the passage of time allows the dust to settle between parents, to the point where parents achieve cooperative parenting from a place of initial disengagement. When parents successfully parent within a parallel parenting arrangement, and maintain their end of the parenting agreement, trust is gradually restored and parents put aside their hostilities. At that point a more collaborative and cooperative parenting regime becomes established. Parallel parenting thus provides a foundation for cooperative parenting, as parents move from a place of disengagement toward more direct communication and negotiation.

Benefits. Parallel parenting protects children’s relationships with both parents while shielding them from parental conflict. Although parallel parenting is not a panacea for high conflict, research studies indicate that it does protect children from being placed in the middle of parental conflict, and facilitates co-parenting in high conflict situations. It is not the presence of parental conflict as much as children’s direct exposure to that conflict which is harmful to them. Most important, parallel parenting makes clear that both parents are equally important in a child’s life regardless of the hostility and acrimony between them.

Admittedly, I've spent so much energy agonizing about W's A and our crumbling MR that I just assumed that 50/50 custody was the way to go here. I do need to spend some time dwelling on this and will obviously review my options with my L once I get served.

The parallel parenting plan looks like a fantastic option. It appears to mirror my personality well. Thanks for this insight!

You're right, I DO matter. But, I know I will emerge from this a whole person either way. I need to really sit down and think about what is best for my children if things continue down this path. I feel I need to do so in a way where I only have their best interests at heart, irregardless of any anger, bitterness, or hurt I feel. But I admit, I'm certainly giving W a lot of undeserved credit right now in regards to her patenting fitness.