I have updated my profile and even posted my link to my homepage if anyone is curious to who I am..
So the big "talk" that he requested last week, is on this upcoming Saturday. He has said that it doesn't feel the same for him any more, he's not committed to saving our R, he doesn't know why he's feeling the way he does "feelings just change, don't they" and he doesn't miss me when we have less contact.
I have a 10 K race to run first and after that I'm going to his place for a shower, and then I guess it's talk-time. I hope that I'll be upbeat after the race, so that I can have good energy going in.
I have had several good posts on my last tread as to handle this, and I have taken them to heart. What I'm scared about is not succeeding in STFU and starting to beg, or try to persuade.
Since he's said that he feels that his feelings never matter (one thing he has told me was a factor in previous R) and that he feels like I'm trying to persuade him, I'm going to work really hard on the validation tips posted by Wonka.
If any of you have had one of these "talks", either that went well or not so well, I appreciate any insight you can give me..
I'm more or less a nut case at the moment, as you will soon discover if you come back here.. I will try my best to keep emotions at bay!
All my best to you all!
M: 44 H: 43 ILYBNILWY: 7/4-15 Decided to try to reconnect. "This doesn't work, I have no feelings": 20/4-15 Scheduled "talk" :9/5-15 It's over: 9/5
Oh, maybe I should tell you a bit more about our R..
We've live in neighbouring towns but not been able to move in yet, due to work and housing situation. He has 3 kids, I have one that's moved out but 6 dogs. I went out with him, after he had pursued me on and off for over 6 months.
We felt an connection at once and became a couple pretty quick. We've spoken, texted many many times every day, and seen each other at least 4-5 times a week. He worked in the US for 6 weeks last summer and that made us even closer, talking, texting, Skyping all the time. Been very much in love the entire time up until I would say February when he had to go away for work for almost a months and I could feel that we were not as close that time around as previous.
He came home and it was an incident with his youngest child, where I stood up for what I thought was in the best interest of the boy and he took it like I complained about his parenting. I thought we sorted it out. Little over a week later, he said he wasn't feeling this any more. I asked if he just wanted to give up, and he said that he didn't want to through it all away. We decided to try to reconnect.
2 weeks followed that I thought was pretty great. But then he said that he didn't want to drive to my town, he was tired and just wanted to stay home. I asked what the problem was and he said that his feelings hasn't changed. I said I didn't want to give up on us.
A week of more or less NC followed and then I asked if we could get together. I wanted to keep if fun and upbeat but when he walked around like sour grapes, I didn't succeed. Went home, so sad. Day after, we spoke on the phone and after some ups and downs it suddenly got a bit hot and steamy. He said he wanted to ML to me and so on. Felt good. I came on this site and decided to back off and let him breath.
He contacted me a few times and then on Wednesday last week, the talk came up again. He very sure that he has no feelings left. He said we needed to talk in person. I put it off, hoping he would get time to chill.
He texted me Monday morning, saying he hoped my weekend had been good and so on. Few texts back and forth. Pleasant and only signed off with "hug". Today I had a meltdown and called with a silly reason, all very polite and if not bubbly so at least friendly. Decided to meet on Saturday after my run.
So DB, that's the whole story. The man who I always call "Mr Gold" might have turned in to Mr Sand and I just want to try and switch it all back again.. So what do I do now?
Any tips, 2X4's or something?
M: 44 H: 43 ILYBNILWY: 7/4-15 Decided to try to reconnect. "This doesn't work, I have no feelings": 20/4-15 Scheduled "talk" :9/5-15 It's over: 9/5
He contacted me a few times and then on Wednesday last week, the talk came up again. He very sure that he has no feelings left. He said we needed to talk in person. I put it off, hoping he would get time to chill.
Hi Tulo,
I would'be done the same thing, sounds like the right call at that time.
I need to think about this some more.
Any vets out there have some advcie for Tulo?
In the meantime, take care of yourself. Thank you for posting in my thread.
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
I hope it was the right thing to do too.. It's just so hard to try and give space when all you really want to do is close the gap between each other. I'm not sure if he had any time to miss me, he's been very busy with kids and friends it seems. But I guess I won't give up on hope just yet..
(This written by a woman who was more or less totally whack this morning, mind you..)
All my best!
M: 44 H: 43 ILYBNILWY: 7/4-15 Decided to try to reconnect. "This doesn't work, I have no feelings": 20/4-15 Scheduled "talk" :9/5-15 It's over: 9/5
You're very welcome! You are too kind. I noticed you posted a "thank you" message on my thread, too. Let's keep the "love fest" going.
I think it's too soon yo give up hope in your case.
I just added you to my prayer lsit for tonight. I will dedicate a prayer just for you.
{{{Tulo}}}
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
I've been praying my heart out and just hopes that he'll listen and take some time out of his busy schedule and breath some life, love and hope into the heart of the man I love. Just enough so that we can give this a go and see if we find each other again..
Will add you to mine too! <3
M: 44 H: 43 ILYBNILWY: 7/4-15 Decided to try to reconnect. "This doesn't work, I have no feelings": 20/4-15 Scheduled "talk" :9/5-15 It's over: 9/5
What about writing out some devastating things that you'd hate to hear him say, then write out responses that you feel can validate without agreeing without debating?
Call me old fashioned. I work in the sales industry and I don't just show up to appointments and "wing it". If you think when you're full of adrenaline, your brain is skipping because it's going so fast, your heart is pounding, and you're having trouble breathing suddenly words of pure affirmation will magically bubble out of you as if you were a different person...well, I'd be a bit surprised. I believe that we don't rise to the level of our hopes, we fall to the level of our preparation.
Personally I would write out the 3-5 things you most fear hearing, plan responses, and practice them in the mirror. Then I'd have another 3 canned responses for stuff you didn't anticipate, more generic.
It will make you feel more confident to have a quiver full of arrows to fire back
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
I'm going to do as you say and tonight when I get back home, I'm going to write down some of the things I'm most afraid of and what I can say in reply, and I might even post here.
Yesterday was such a hard day for me. A few "friends" called, (yes, I put them in-between quotation marks because yesterday they didn't seem very friendly) and even though I tried to put up a happy-go-lucky tone of voice, both said "What's wrong, I can totally hear that something is wrong." And then I told them a very light version and the replies where soft as a 2x4 in my head, multiple times!
"Totally sounds like he wants out, call it quits, once it's headed that way it's impossible to get it to change, it totally sounds like he doesn't love you any more, if he had loved you he would have called, you must make demands and if he doesn't deliver get rid of him.." Well, Zeus.. Yet get the gist of it..
It felt so horrible, and it was so hard to try and stay calm and not just break down in tears. I know they want (or think they want) what's best for me, but that hurt like hell.
Today is a better day. I'm busy like a bee all day and hopefully that will keep me from thinking to much. I need to work on GAL! I've decided to try and keep a positive mind until I know the facts and focus on getting ready.
Zeus, I can't tell you how much your replies mean to me.. Almost feels a bit silly, because I don't even know you but still it makes me feel so much better about everything. THANK YOU!!
All my best!! Big hug!
M: 44 H: 43 ILYBNILWY: 7/4-15 Decided to try to reconnect. "This doesn't work, I have no feelings": 20/4-15 Scheduled "talk" :9/5-15 It's over: 9/5
What about writing out some devastating things that you'd hate to hear him say, then write out responses that you feel can validate without agreeing without debating?
Call me old fashioned. I work in the sales industry and I don't just show up to appointments and "wing it". If you think when you're full of adrenaline, your brain is skipping because it's going so fast, your heart is pounding, and you're having trouble breathing suddenly words of pure affirmation will magically bubble out of you as if you were a different person...well, I'd be a bit surprised. I believe that we don't rise to the level of our hopes, we fall to the level of our preparation.
Personally I would write out the 3-5 things you most fear hearing, plan responses, and practice them in the mirror. Then I'd have another 3 canned responses for stuff you didn't anticipate, more generic.
It will make you feel more confident to have a quiver full of arrows to fire back
This is awesome advice. When I find myself anxious about a meeting or event, it's usually mostly that I feel unprepared. PREPARE, and the anxiety level goes WAY down. And more importantly, the preparation will lead to you handling the various comments much, much better.
I've been praying my heart out and just hopes that he'll listen and take some time out of his busy schedule and breath some life, love and hope into the heart of the man I love. Just enough so that we can give this a go and see if we find each other again..
Will add you to mine too! <3
Hello Tulo,
I wanted to thank you and inform you that I remembered to dedicate a prayer just to you and your sitch last night.
(((Tulo)))
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
