a young man with hope II

[lnlyshp]

Hello all.

Found my journal from when STBX first left. There's about 2 months of entries there, the last one in January. I think that is when I lost my way. It is clear reading through all of it that I had a plan - and even though it didn't work how I wanted - I was becoming a better person. I got depressed. I stopped working out. I turned back to the bad habits that caused me to hate myself. One passage in particular struck me really hard:

"Dec 14 - At the end of the day what am I left with? "S", Family, Hope & Love. I hope for a new beginning with "W". I love from afar. I will keep the door open with the light on. I hope I continue to improve myself. I hope I find strength enough to forgive myself and get through this. I hope I can begin to move on in my new life."

I don't know when I stopped thinking like that. I don't know when I turned back to being so negative or starting to feel hate towards STBX. I don't know when I got off of the DB track - but I certainly have. I don't have any hope to reconcile relationship anymore these days, but I want to go back to improving myself and becoming a better person.

I have lost my way and I hope to find it again soon. I need to pull myself out of this.

- ship