NoleGrl (2) Moving Forward

[NoleGrl]

Moving Zues' last post over here:

Nole,

I've got a few things for you.

1. Hmm. I don't really give forum hugs. I don't know why. Maybe I'm a little shy. Or maybe it's because I'm married and don't like virtual hugging other women. But what the heck.

((((HUGS))))

Is that how it's done?

Thank you!

Hang in there.

2. Your H may or may not have OW, I know most people jump to that conclusion because approximately 137.2% of WAS's do But really, we don't know that.

I do know, one of my friends saw them out on a date a couple weeks ago, although he denied it when I confronted him.

The whole thing about him being so confident this is what he wants...let me tell you. He's only fooling himself. He has no clue what he wants. He's confused, he's in pain, he's desperate. So what does he do? He sets a few goals and tells himself when he does A/B/C it will all be better. I don't want to get you started on mindreading, but hypothetically he could say to himself "Boy, I'm so sad and in so much pain. I can't stand it! I know. Once the D is final, our stuff is split, then this will all be behind me, I won't hurt so much, I can meet someone new, and I'll be happy again!"

JUST BECAUSE HE TELLS HIMSELF THIS DOESN'T MAKE IT TRUE.

Have you ever thought something would make you happy, then found out you were still basically the same? I think there's a saying for that: Wherever you go, there you are.

3. So what does this mean to you? How will it play out?

I don't have a crystal ball, but he's on his own journey. Maybe he has a moment of clarity and changes his mind. DR say this doesn't happen often, and if so you take it super slow.

But sometimes people have to make their own mistakes. He might have to achieve his goals, realize they don't make him happy, watch those new dreams die...and then start to realize the costs of his decisions. This could mean him finalizing the D, rebounding in a 12-18 month R, then after the magic fades and things crash and burn, he might walk away and realize the role he played, what he lost, and wonder if it's too late to fix things with you.

Or...he might move on, find someone else, and learn the skills to be a good H after he's already established a new life. This idea haunted me for a long time. If he's going to leave, at least be a dud so we can feel like we didn't lose anything. Don't let him be the guy that turns into a stud right after the door is closed!

BUT IN ALL OF THESE CASES: You have to let him go on his journey. You really do. He is gone. He might never return.

I've kept holding on to a little grain of hope that he would wake up prior to it getting this far, but I am fairly certain that he is not going to return.

All you can do is focus on becoming the best woman you can be, standing by your values, and finding ways to detach and GAL. Then, after all the dust settles, you are healthy and whole, and you have gotten through your grieving...you can look back to see where he's at, and whether you want to continue to stand, or if you're ready to move on.

So the bad news is that there is nothing you can do to avoid the FULL grieving process for your M. It is dead. And if the opportunity to R ever came up, it wouldn't be with you and your H, it would be with the person you become down the road with the person he has become down the road.

I tell you this because I want you to realize the importance of focusing on you, GAL, detachment, and selfcare. The more you can do to stop depending on someone that won't meet your needs the better.

I know these words are so hard to hear. So I will give you one more (((hug))) and tell you that if we got through this, you will too. But remember, I admire your love for your H. It's just time to pack it away for a while.

Hoping to see some posts just about you, your growth, your GAL in the near future!

Thank you Zues. Time to start moving forward.