Vanilla is giving me too much credit, but I did get some similar treatment from MrBond and Wonka in my early days here. I disagreed with the substance of what they say, and still do today, but what I have learnt from it is to let go. I used to try to settle every argument, every nuance, to prove that I was right, with facts and interpretation. I was sure to be honest and straightforward and expected to be rewarded for it. Well, I'm also separated.
I realized that none of the mature people that I admire act like this, so I explored how they would resolve their arguments without it. I saw that they were playing on a different level than me. Instead of focusing on the minutia, they have their eyes on a bigger picture. In my M, I remember arguing to no end with WW about the sequence of how our argument had unfolded ("No, I said this BEFORE you had said that, because then I didn't know that you... bla bla bla"). I was losing sight that these details were not important, yet they were harming my M. My WW came to think that I didn't love her. She would send me signals to the effect that she was hurt, and I would just hang to my logical argument. She'd cry in front of me and I would act as if this was irrelevant to the argument — and it was, but it was not irrelevant to my M. This is part of what they mean by "Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?" Well, I was right that she didn't load the dishwasher when she promised to, but I'm also very unhappy today.
I have decided that certain topics are out of bonds for this forum, such as my parenting and some aspects of dating. I have also decided to ignore certain things that are said to me. We don't have to agree on everything, we come from different places and go different routes, meeting momentarily here.
More than me, I think you should have a look at Card29. His maturity level is a constant inspiration for me. Just this week, he had to deal with some outrageous statements from Georgia Bulldogs. I decided to simply ignore them, but he engaged them and made his points respectfully and in a way that did not antagonize anyone.
A different way to respond to MrBond, who gets so much on your nerves, would be to say: "Thanks for your input. I appreciate your desire to help. I seem to have issues understanding how I can be controlling, but I look forward to your continued feedback." It doesn't have to be a lie, it's just a way of saying the same thing that reflects your true feelings while remaining above the fray. And please, don't use snark, such as either copying this sentence as if you don't mean it, or simply repeating some canned response every time. Try to grow through this, not to win an argument with a stranger.
Think about it: You feed what you emphasize.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
