Rebuilding my Castle...

[LoisB]

Wow. Ok. Clarity is coming full force as I write this down...

The anger is a good thing, for me...I don't know if it is for everyone? But, it definitely IS for me. This is the first time, this past month, first time I've been off of AD's in 15 years. I've spent a lifetime being depressed and then medicating, sleeping and hating myself in various stages of depression in order to live with the people I was surrounded by. I can't tell you how many therapists, psychiatrists, holistic healers, allergists even!...I went to in order to find the source of my depression. Truth was...I wasn't honoring my feelings. For ME...I don't know about anyone else...but, FOR ME, it's been an absolute Godsend that I've finally gotten really and truly pi$$ed off at the people in my life that sorta shiddy people. Still love em. But, not gonna make excuses and force myself to suffer any longer because someone else is sorta shiddy. Including my mother.

I didn't cower. With Matt today, I didn't cower.

People are just people. I get that. No one is perfect. I love my mother. But, I'm not making excuses for her any longer. And, if I feel angry with her behavior, I will damn well feel angry. I won't bludgeon my 71-year-old mother with it. But, I may vent and I may grumble. I will express the frustration of someone saying one thing...but, always doing another thing that is always much more advantageous to her.

Trust me. I've paid my dues where my mother is concerned. I've sat through countless holiday dinners, often dinners I hosted, sitting with the man who abused my siblings and I horribly and then cheated on my mother...

Job, you knew me when I started here. You may have been one of the first people to post to me in October of 2012 when I was in the lowest place I've ever been in my life. I was desperate and so full of pain. And, you, YOU...helped me pick up the pieces and pull it together.

I was a weakling. I was beaten. I was used to being the butt of belittling comments and accustomed to having my mother, father, husband and in-laws---AND D20 beat me up on a regular, daily basis.

Remember those days?

How many times did you say,"Heather, people see in you someone who they can take advantage of. You gotta pull up your big-girl panties."

Well, let's fast forward to today. I walked into the office today with the publisher of a powerful newspaper publishing company--one that encompasses most of Upstate New York. This same man who almost fired me 2 months ago. I was joking with a co-worker. I looked up and said a friendly "Hello" and went back to joking.

You guys helped me get there. I didn't spend more than 5 minutes tops...more like 30 seconds...worrying for about whether he liked me, if I was dressed ok, if I said the right thing, blah, blah, blah...

I was OK. You guys helped me get here. YOU JOB...YOU HELPED ME GET HERE...

Ok. So, for most of Heather's life, she has sat on the pity pot. And, she hid from life.

Yes, my default button when I'm stressed is to head back to the pity pot. The difference is...I will vent the pity shid on here...but, in my real life, not virtual, I will get up and get it done. Maybe I'm getting it done imperfectly, but I'm getting it done.

I met with my rental agency on Friday. Faced it. Met with the people I owed money to.

I'm a different person. I just am. I'm not up half the night worrying about my job, husband, bills, etc...

I still struggle with the feelings. I'm getting that I get overwhelmed and search frantically for someone to help me feel better.

Honestly, I think that comes from a lot of abandonment. And, I have a personality that gets overly stimulated easily so I spin. When I spin...I generally look for a place to pin the spin feeling. I need to know why because it's uncomfortable and I want to feel better.

In the past six months, I've felt a growing, boiling anger inside me. I think it's been brewing for years and years. Heather was always a pushover. Transitioning from a pushover to someone empowered isn't easy. No transition is easy. It's uncomfortable and awkward and I haven't handled it as well as maybe I could have. But, I've kept trucking.

I'm trusting the process because today I felt different. Just different. I AM different.

I'm not a pushover anymore. I've needed the anger to reach this point.

And, you know what? Once I handled Matt with some firm gloves. He revealed some vulnerability. He said that he wasn't the bad guy everyone thinks he is and that he loves his kids.

I was able to tell him I knew he loved his kids. I was even able to tell him he was a good dad and that's what made me sad that the past few years color all the others.

I've NEEDED this anger. My mother is one of the main people who pushed me around for years and years. I've been there for her and dealt with insane situations with men that make me cringe when I think about it. Her addiction is men and my mother has always had a generous supply of crazy surrounding whichever abusive guy she chose. I've tolerated plenty from my mother and I'm finally owning, in more than words, the reality of her person.

Still, like with Matt, once I feel the feelings, get it out...accept what is...then, I will, without a doubt, be there for my mother in whatever way she needs me. It's who I've always been...and, maybe that's what has triggered some anger. I've been cleaning and caring for this woman my whole life. Maybe I haven't shared all that on these boards. My mother relied on my heavily too.