job, Shining, Gwen- thank you, thank you! You guys all rock and are amazing inspiration and support. I'm sorry I didn't holla back at cha prior to my other post. Thanks for recognizing my small successes.... aaahhh... a deep breath of fresh air.... it's amazing.
Heather- you make an eye-opening point! You are so right... thing could have been much different! Whew... thank goodness for how things are turning around. But I will never take small things for granted again!
job- yuck, yuck, yuck! You are right! Mother's Day.... dum dum duuuuuuuuuummmmmm. I have a feeling I won't hear from xh. I didn't last month for my bday, and that's ok! I'm totally cool with it. However... thinking about last Mother's Day- well that makes me want to ralph. So- I'm not going there.
And, job, you telling me you think I've been handling things well... wow... that means a lot to me to hear that from you. I have been trying really hard to do the right things while healing. Thank you.
2B- Great question! And a great idea for a thread. I'm gonna think on that and post it on the designated thread. You're doing great, btw.
OK, just a couple of things that have been bouncing around in my mind. Lots of room for things to bounce, I guess...
First, poor d14. I think she is in a process right not. Digesting. She has made a few comments lately. More than ever. Usually she is pretty tight lipped. But you can see she is really thinking about things. And she's not happy about things. For her, she will say, like, a couple of sentences. Out of nowhere. Then drop it. I haven't said a word. I am being very careful. I listen. I STFU. I make sure I don't make any facial expressions at all. Just a listening face. Usually it's so quick, and I'm doing something, that I don't even have to look anyway.
I could be wrong, but I am pretty sure she has really been thinking about things since the last time she saw him- last month. When he was in a rush to get back to hww. Well... that's the way she saw it. And she hasn't seen him since, outside of him going to her games. Which they don't talk there. He just watches and leaves... usually early. I don't know this bc I don't see nor look for him. She says it.
OK, other thing. I can tell I have reached another level. Today at work I was cleaning out some things and I came across a pic of xh and my kids. It was my 30th bday and we were in Jamaica. Awww... it broke my heart. I love THAT guy! He had his arms around my kids... awwww man. It was tough seeing it. Then right after, a kid wanted to show me his book about paratroopers in the Army. Xh was a paratrooper. We lived on base together. We were married right before he went in. S18 was a baby. Looking through the pics, especially seeing the pic, awwwww man!
Then, right after that... a friend had mentioned something about her friend who works w hww and xh and is good friends w xh... blah blah... just made me all twisty inside... the connection there is really weird... an me to the family... whatever... a cluster..
However, it made me soooo sad. But, it's a little different. I don't fall apart. I didn't go spinning. Just a little... like... icky. Mostly sad.
And I have noticed I just close the door now to the pain. When things come up, things I've seen- places I've been- I don't want to go back. I close the door. I get a peek- and bam! Closed!
I wonder if that's what mlcers do. Are they able to close the door like that? I have never experienced anything like it before. I was always quite thoughtful to things I was aware of. I would think things through, analyze, well, you guys have seen me do it a billion times! But, I just don't want to go to those places anymore. I don't think It's in an unhealthy way. I have just spent enough time there. But, its an incredible thing to do! And really... is that what they do??
