Rebuilding my Castle...

[LoisB]

Wow. Thanks guys. Really, I appreciate the feedback.

I guess I shoulda clarified before I posted today...It was deadline day and I found myself getting wound up. I was taking AJ's advice and trying to journal the feelings as they came up. I felt an overwhelming feeling and journeled on here for a minute or two and went back to work.

Number 26 is done and it looks good :-) And, I was in a place of overwhelm but still got it done. I feel like I'm a different person than I was. I'm just different.

Got the newspaper done. Handled D20's Fafsa issues. Dealt with D12 who was in a tricky frame of mind yesterday. Handled Matt today and dealt with some divorce stuff. All in a day :-) A year ago, a day like today woulda blown me outta the water. But, I'm good. I'm still standing.

I confided in a friend/co-worker today about my stresses yesterday with D12 and the smoke alarm (did I mention I had to come home early from work because the wind blew and set off the smoke alarms and it set D12 off for the rest of the evening. She had a mild meltdown). Talking about it today lessened the stress. I felt it melt away some.

Did some yoga this morning.

It was actually a pretty good day. A not so bad day.

Had some miracles happen with Matt. But, I will share those later.

But, I have had these really overpowering feelings recently and I have to admit, when I post the feelings on here, I get the impression I SHOULD feel differently. But, these are the feelings I have right now.

By now, I would think you guys would be able to see that sometimes I need a place to vent. Maybe I need to vent elsewhere. I've tried to stay away from the boards in recent months because there seems to be a disconnect lately for me.

The stuff I share on here is not stuff I share with my parents.

Most of it is STRESS. S.T.R.E.S.S.

And, I don't have much of a support system, yet, to confide in. So, I get to a boiling over point and I write on here. It feels as if I'm sharing with friends.

I don't blame my parents. I don't. I'm 46 and I'm a grown up. Plain and simple. However, I feel what I feel and I'm not sure why?? And, it's not just going away. I think a lot of it is just stress. The rest? I don't know.

I haven't asked my parents for a dime since I moved here. In the past 6 months, I've had two tense conversations with my mother...both in the past two weeks. I haven't asked for help in any way. No, I haven't paid them back and I feel terrible about this...but, that's not why I feel the way I feel.

Let me clarify...I want to be crystal clear here...

My mom is my crazy mom. I get that. There are times when I can't talk to her because she is out to lunch and it drives me bananas to listen to her talk about her life in lala land when I'm struggling. These past two weeks are a perfect example. She shops away thousands of dollars on a monthly basis just sitting in her apartment online. That's her choice. HOWEVER, when I'm struggling and she gives off the impression of concern, I flip a switch. These are the times I can't talk to her. I just can't. I FEEL angry when I hear her describe her life or...I FEEL this way or that. I try to put words to it, but, bottom line, I feel sad. I feel angry. I feel ???

I have found some validation from my siblings who feel similarly. My niece had a suicide attempt a month ago and my mother hasn't called my niece. My sister is upset too. There's a disconnect here somewhere and I'm not beating myself up for feeling the way I do. I'm not acting on anything. I haven't borrowed money. I apologized when I spoke a little too firmly with her the other day.

The issue for me is the feelings. And, why they are so overwhelming right now.

I know she has helped me. I don't disparage this at all. When I'm stressed. I vent and if I don't have any other place, I will vent on here. I'm sure I come off as bitter and whatever. Some days I am. But, at the end of the day, I get that my mom is my mom and she loves me. If, however, on a rough day, I have to listen to her discuss her life of online shopping and whatever...well...it's too much.

My dad.I have to admit. I've felt a stronger sense of myself in the time I haven't had to deal with him. Again, how I feel.

I've spent a lifetime apologizing for my feelings. I'm not going to do it this time. I feel some pretty powerful feelings right now.

And, for the first time, today, I handled Matt with a power and self-assurance I haven't had, maybe ever. He tried to pull some crap on me with the settlement proposal and I called him on his crap and, guess what?, he backed the eff off. :-)

I didn't cower. I didn't cringe. I didn't hide in my bed. I faced him head on and suggested we may need to go to a hearing if he refuses to pay the full amount of child support he owes.