Wow AHW99... I've only read a little bit of your situation. I'm sorry you're here.
I have a narcissistic STBXW who's be very abusive to me, our S7, etc.
It's hard to let go and that's ok. Key thing is to recognize that you still need to protect yourself and your kids as much as you can.
Just as an FYI... I have some things on my thread that I did in preparation for filing against my wife that might be thought starters from a preparation perspective.
Me: 45 W43 S7, Foster S9 (Planning to adopt post divorce) D mentioned Feb 2015, Wife served 3/24/2015. She moved out 4/15/2015.