The end

[mustardseed]

I now know for sure that my job is ending in June and I feel an incredible amount of relief. Today I woke up annoyed but not anxious. Is it the relief of knowing one question s answered or is it the meds kicking in? I don't know but I am grateful for the relief. I spoke to coworkers with far more experience than me and was told 1) that they don't think they could have done my class. 2) when they went through divorce they struggled with their classes. It makes me feel like less of a failure. It was a really tough position to be in. And I think the hardest part for me was the adults in the room. Too many strong personalities. And me, the one in charge, was not one of them. Everything they did today annoyed me. They are all yellers, I'm not. They all jump in when I am handling a kid in my nonverbal or quietly verbal way and start shouting. They have no concept of wait time. It is just constant barking directives at the kids. No wonder it is such a madhouse. And as the one in charge I struggled to rein it in. None of them believe me when I say I'm ok when they all have to leave the room and I'm alone with the kids. The whole room is much calmer--unfortunately no work can get done because they all need 1:1 or 1:2 attention and are all working on different things. But there is so much more order. I appreciate the help they gave me, but I wouldn't choose this group of assistants if I had my choice.

It wasn't easy for me to take a leadership role when I was figuring things out and distracted by my life. They have no loyalty to me. All of them are new to the school. I think if I had some veterans I would have felt more supported and less criticized.