It turns out my morning anxiety is consistent even on weekends. I still woke up at around 3 am each night in a panic and struggled to get back to sleep. Friday I took a Xanax to help me, last night I toughed it out. Just like during the week the anxiety wore off around noon.
I had a good weekend too. Came out to my parents with the kids. They are away for the month but it was still good to be here. My sister and her kids came too and my aunt dropped off her daughter so the kids had a fun cousins weekend. I took a lot of walks and only did a little bit of work Saturday. This morning it was just me and my kids and my little cousin (they are all around the same age). I told them they are on their own because I have work to do. I went to church--walked there--and that helped with the anxiety but it came back as soon as I got back in the house. So I cleaned, went for another walk and by noon I was ready to buckle down and get my work done. I had aunts and cousins coming in and out so it was nice to break up the work with conversations. I just finished my planning at around 6. Went for another walk. Feeling pretty good but I have to mentally prepare myself to go back home.
At least now I understand the pattern of this anxiety. Taking the pill at night is much better but the morning panic is tough. At least now when I experience it I know it will pass by noon.
Last edited by mustardseed; 05/03/1511:24 PM.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
What you are going through is incredibly difficult. I can understand in many ways.
I don't have much advice to offer at this time except to try to be patient. No matter how difficult, take life one day at a time. Make decisions one by one. Overcome obstacles separately. Start with matters you can do something about. Patiently work out how to deal with situations or problems that seem overwhelming. Take time to seek wise counsel.
I'll say a prayer (or two) for you tonight ms.
I wish you well.
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Breathe, calm, easy in the mornings. Anxiety is an unpleasant feeling but it wont ultimately harm you. Gentleness for you Msd. Please stay with the deep breath of life, deep and clear.
Sounds as if you had a healing weekend with family and the babbling brook of happy children.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I now know for sure that my job is ending in June and I feel an incredible amount of relief. Today I woke up annoyed but not anxious. Is it the relief of knowing one question s answered or is it the meds kicking in? I don't know but I am grateful for the relief. I spoke to coworkers with far more experience than me and was told 1) that they don't think they could have done my class. 2) when they went through divorce they struggled with their classes. It makes me feel like less of a failure. It was a really tough position to be in. And I think the hardest part for me was the adults in the room. Too many strong personalities. And me, the one in charge, was not one of them. Everything they did today annoyed me. They are all yellers, I'm not. They all jump in when I am handling a kid in my nonverbal or quietly verbal way and start shouting. They have no concept of wait time. It is just constant barking directives at the kids. No wonder it is such a madhouse. And as the one in charge I struggled to rein it in. None of them believe me when I say I'm ok when they all have to leave the room and I'm alone with the kids. The whole room is much calmer--unfortunately no work can get done because they all need 1:1 or 1:2 attention and are all working on different things. But there is so much more order. I appreciate the help they gave me, but I wouldn't choose this group of assistants if I had my choice.
It wasn't easy for me to take a leadership role when I was figuring things out and distracted by my life. They have no loyalty to me. All of them are new to the school. I think if I had some veterans I would have felt more supported and less criticized.
Last edited by mustardseed; 05/05/1506:20 PM.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
I am so proud of you Msd. I really am, the amount you have learned through your experience, the hard work.
Most of all, I really have enjoyed your personal growth and development, from an Msd who beat herself up and blamed herself for everything to an Msd who says "they are all yellers" and "no concept of wait time" and "I wouldn't choose this group of assistants if I had my choice".
Recognising that "I think if I had some veterans I would have felt more supported and less criticised".
Msd this is truly serene: grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
You Msd have done this.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
V, you know, it is interesting how many people told me today that they are happy to see me finally getting angry. LOL. I guess that is what I needed to do all along. I always try to talk myself out of anger--find my responsibility in the situation rather than placing blame. Honestly, I always hated the way anger felt, but after going through these weeks--month now of panic and anxiety I realize there are much worse feelings than anger. And frankly, I am ANGRY!
I am no longer talking to H. Took my kids out to dinner for cinco de mayo. And I am actually feeling content--and angry--what a weird combination.
Last edited by mustardseed; 05/05/1511:52 PM.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
Anger promotes growth and sometimes it is an excellent response. Good girls don't get angry?
They need to, it's healthy in the right place. So is sadness. You got angry when you were ready when you recognised your boundaries were breached. The invading army came in a long way to your castle, you were distracted on the south turret by H. Anger is less about blame and more about knowing that there is internal locus of control and andexternal locus and being angry about deliberate or accidental injustice and boundary breach.
Msd, you have really turned a corner you know this. I sense it, you are further on the Kubler Ross grief curve and it's great to see.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 05/06/1512:31 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Giving too much information and I feel cheated by his response. He asked if I had plans for Mother's Day out of the blue. I told him my plans (which I had told him before) and asked why he needed to know. My plans involve me having to leave s13 with him because he has a bat mitzvah to go to and I won't be around this weekend to take him. His response. oK. Why does he do that to me? Why do I have to answer his questions while he ignores mine? again I feel like I gave away my power to him. Just when I was starting to feel good again.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
I think I redeemed myself. Feeling better about things. Made a decision to no longer share any information with him even if he asks. He gives me nothjbg, I owe him nothing.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
