I accepted my W's invitation for dinner. I plan to be upbeat, confident, and friendly.
However, I do have a question. Do you think W is using this as a way to serve me D papers or something? It is suspiciously close to her meeting with L yesterday.
I doubt she's "serve" you over dinner with the kids. You never know. It really wouldn't be a "service" type situation where she touches you with the paperwork and says "ha, gotcha, consider yourself served" since she doesn't have the legal authority to actually serve you (she's not a court officer and she's a party to the action and unreliable witness to such service). Instead, she COULD ask you to accept the paperwork and sign off that you received them and waive a more formal service of process. You don't have to sign and then she'd have to go the service of process route (which is what I'd suggest you do with the statement that you want nothing to do with a divorce and won't simply roll over and acquiesce to one but you've been going a much more conciliatory route yourself telling her you WILL be cooperative so it's really your call whether you accept the papers or make her pay for and have you served formally by a process server).
I like how you say you plan "to be" upbeat and confident versus just planing "to act" upbeat and confident and really why shouldn't you be? You've already proven to yourself that you can handle this one way or another. Sure you'd LIKE to reconcile but you aren't going to accept a crap sandwich either. Your wife doesn't get to total your car, bump it out, through some bondo on it with an Earl Schibe paint job and call it even.... you want a BETTER marriage out of this and she is either going to loving and respectful towards you or you'll just be moving on yourself. YOU are the catch here...the faithful, upstanding, great father who could have and will do better in the husband department with her (or with someone else eventually). Also...she will NEVER have another man in her life that would love her enough to be willing to reconcile with her after she cheated....NEVER.
Word of caution though...she could just be getting her needs met and her guilt relieved by rebuilding this "friendship" and partnership with you....for the kids and still have no true feelings yet of recovering with you. I've seen these situations go either way where couples like this dive into reconciliation or you get served the next day. Doesn't mean you can't still work for the goal and that that goal isn't achievable...but she IS still in contact with OM and you don't know the extent of that contact. They could be ending it peacefully and just checking in with each other mistakenly thinking they can remain friends. OM's are usually told stories about how awful the husband is so he's concerned she is safe and well. OR....they are arranging secret rendezvous and plotting their moves carefully as OM positions himself financially to divorce his wife to be with yours and your wife keeps working the quick friendly divorce angle. Point is...no expectations. Even if she throws herself at you and SAYS all the right things....until there is "NO CONTACT" you haven't achieved anything.
Any talk of reconciliation you do have with her needs to begin and end with:
"The first step and move in on you because until you get out of that hospital we really can't 'try' to recover"
"I'm perfectly wiling to try once I know you aren't seeing him at work anymore"
"I'm fine with delaying the divorce while we figure out our feelings and you try to find a new job but I'm not really willing to put my heart on the chopping block again as long as you are still working with and talking to OM"
"Imagine {x) years ago back when you still loved me and I was working at xyz company...If I had told you I had an affair with [insert name of employee you worked with] do you think you'd have been comfortable with me continuing to work with and see her everyday at work? Though I wish you'd just quit the job and come home now I understand this is a process and I'm willing to table the divorce AND seriously trying to reconcile until you get out of that hospital."
*this is crafty...you are telling her that YOU are willing to wait on the divorce...plus your indicating you want to delay the divorce AND serious reconciliation efforts but that doesn't preclude hanging out together and just having fun while your confident and fun to be around (which IS reconciliation without her even knowing it's happen because when you hang out with someone and spend a lot of time with them you can't help feeling connected to them and "in love".
*Still think the scary divorce attorney you interviewed that wants to depose OM is a good tactical story to tell. If she goes the divorce route she and OM are certainly going to have to tell the entire story of the affair under oath in a deposition at some point. You are entitled to the truth about your life.
*If things get ugly and she wants to lie that she hasn't spoken to OM at all you could say that OM's wife called you and told you that OM was calling her last week from that work number you discovered. They will crap their pants that you know this, that OM's wife is communicating with you supposedly (and snooping thoroughly on her husband which they won't speak of) and you MAY get a good indication of what's going on by her reaction. If she's REALLY ugly and defensive the affair continues on the worse side of the spectrum...if she's not that mad and comes clean about the conversation after getting caught lying maybe (MAYBE...can't believe what you hear) it's the truth that it's ending.
I hope it's over. OM's usually dump their paramours once exposed because they have too much to answer for at home with their wife and family to bother carrying on a dangerous workplace affair that was never intended to be more than that..
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
