As most of you know, my plan was to work on me which I have been doing, stall this D out as long as possible, hope her A with the circus freak burns out and maybe we can start with marriage counseling if she is willing.
I don't know - it feels not good at this point but I continue to DB and "act as if."
Hey there Heavy,
I know how hard this is. Stick with your plan for now! Beleive in the process.
Hang tough my friend.
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Same here, Bob and Heavy! While the plan doesn't change "go dark, GAL, 180, positive around her, etc" the focus seems to.
Rather than initially doing it to save your marriage, now it should be about saving yourself. You still have time. Still stick with what's been working for you.
Maybe she comes around and maybe she doesn't. Maybe she comes around and you no longer want that - who knows. Same situation you were in a month ago, right?
You're making great progress on you - keep your chin up!
M-33 W-33 S-11, S-8 M-11, T-14 BD - 12/26, Divorce Filing and admits to affair (her) 4/18 I moved out 5/23
What does it mean when I would ask my spouse for specific examples of what she was talking about and she would always say "You should know" what I want. She would say "This (our relationship) is broken and I would say OK, can you give me an example of what is broken? "You should know if you really loved me" was the usual answer I got.
I did this so many times, and she would either refuse to tell me or say "I should not have to tell you".
This always left me confused and searching my brain for the answers to her mystery statements. Clearly she was trying to communicate soething to me, but why woulnd't she just articulte it? Why did she want me to jump through hoops trying to figure out what she wanted or needed from me?
This seems to me that she doesn't really know and she's jerking you around. I know my H will stop and say "What do you think?" in just the same way. I finally realized that he didn't want to take responsibility for the problems so would foist them off on me. Maybe that's what she's doing?
M 46 / H 43 T 24/M 18 S 4 11/6/2014 ILYBNILWY 1/16/2015 Living in separate bedroom 1/8/2016 H moved out
How is it going in your sitch? Did you WW get over her illness? Did you intervene? Did the AP take care of her?
Curious to know how it played out.
Well, she felt well enough to go to work in the ER over the weekend, so must not have been too bad. I worked in urgent care the same time, so I was worried that our paths would cross. They didn't.
I have no idea if OM did anything or intervened. He lives about an hour away and she stayed here. I have no clue what is going on with him or to what extent. I'm assuming they are still together, but don't know details.
She still is sending texts, joking and being funny. I haven't responded. I don't want to be her friend, and I think that is what she is trying to do. She wants to assuage her guilt and hopes that we can all get along and live happily ever after. While I have forgiven her, I have no desire to be her friend at this time. She hurt me to the core and the level of deceit was too high.
Me M51 WW F46 T 17 yrs M 16 yrs 9 children D29 D27 D26 S24 S24 S19 S19 niece18 S17 8 grandchildren ILYBINILWY: 12/15/14 I discover PA 12/31/14 She files D: 1/9/15 She moves out 3/2/15 D papers served 3/18/15
What does it mean when I would ask my spouse for specific examples of what she was talking about and she would always say "You should know" what I want. She would say "This (our relationship) is broken and I would say OK, can you give me an example of what is broken? "You should know if you really loved me" was the usual answer I got.
I did this so many times, and she would either refuse to tell me or say "I should not have to tell you".
This always left me confused and searching my brain for the answers to her mystery statements. Clearly she was trying to communicate soething to me, but why woulnd't she just articulte it? Why did she want me to jump through hoops trying to figure out what she wanted or needed from me?
Is this an immature answer or am I missing something?
I honestly don't know.
I suect that this was yet another example of covert control on her part. She had self doubts and insecurity, and played it off that it was your fault. Then you doubled your efforts in an attempt to please her. She is a classic manipulator.
Me M51 WW F46 T 17 yrs M 16 yrs 9 children D29 D27 D26 S24 S24 S19 S19 niece18 S17 8 grandchildren ILYBINILWY: 12/15/14 I discover PA 12/31/14 She files D: 1/9/15 She moves out 3/2/15 D papers served 3/18/15
I said so many times - Just tell me what you want and I'll do it." Looking back at that statement now is embarassing but I see it now for what it was - a desperate atempt to please someone who clearly wasn't in love with me.
It makes me feel very small and pathethic when I realize all of that. No wonder she had no respect for me!
No, I don't think she wants to reconcile and don't want to even pretend that she does or that she wants to end her A. She does "not regret a thing" and "would do it over again" if given the chance. Ouch. She just wants me to play along, roll over and not make a stink. She seems to get off on being mean but I can handle it a lot better now. I just let it roll off my back.
No... Right now she does not want any of that, what MLCrs tend to want is for you to stay put, excactly where they left you, and if you seem miserable even better. You will notice they will not care for you to be happy without them.
Why is it called cake eating if they have already left? Cake eating is for when they are still in the Marriage isn't it?
I have been separated for almost 2 years and I assure you plenty of cake eating went on, she should look like that big blue girl in Willy Wonka by now, some of this I allowed, some I refused ... as with all things trust your gut and pick your battles.
I do think the more I respond to her, the madder it makes her. That is not my goal of course, but it protects me so that is a good thing. She keeps cyclinbg back to either kick me or punch me "metaphorically" speaking and to see what response it gets.
The response she gets now is nothing. I tell her nothing, ask her nothing and respond with nothing. Except where kids are involved, and then it's very short, cordial and then goodbye.
In my heart, I feel she has made her decision, which fuels my decisions which is a vicious cycle.
I am letting my L deal with it now.
^^^ Yup .. often we need to use that anger to propel us forward on our own path, while they stay stuck in the tunnel, its on them to figure out how to move forward ... I think for many LBSs we tend to use anger to get us over a hurdle, its healthy provided you refuse to live there.
I said so many times - Just tell me what you want and I'll do it." Looking back at that statement now is embarassing but I see it now for what it was - a desperate atempt to please someone who clearly wasn't in love with me.
It makes me feel very small and pathethic when I realize all of that. No wonder she had no respect for me!
Oh well, working on that now.
I did that too, for a good chunk of my marriage, does it mean the WAS never loved us ... no, just means we sometimes put thier happiness and needs in front of our own, now .. hindsight, we can see just how devastating our unselfish act was... live and learn right?
