Wayward Wife and the Way of LRT Pt. 2

[Defacto]

Woke up today and decided to check my W's phone records one last time. Saw that the doctor's office made a 24 minute phone call yesterday afternoon. It's pretty clear to me now, some manifestation of the A is still going on. Pretty sure I don't have any more reason to check those phone records for a while.

Might be the perfect opportunity to text the OM's wife nicely with some carefully worded niceties that I mentioned before and then asking if she recognizes the following phone number that's been calling your wife's cell phone at {give approximate times and dates ]. Mention you were encouraged because the phone calls between OM's cell phone and your wife's had stopped for several weeks but these calls made you suspicious and that's the only reason for the text (you are seemingly respecting her apparent wish to not communicate unless it's important in a calm fashion).

You MIGHT end up losing this source of monitoring your wife but you really can't reconcile while they work together anyway. Her leaving that job (or OM leaving) just has to happen. There's no way you can be expected to sit around trusting her at that job when you know OM is around. It's unfair to you and unfair for you to be expected to tolerate it. It's got to be a firm boundary. I think she'll only leave the job if the affair is actually over so it's a pretty solid litmus test. Hopefully this recent contact is just some closure contact. Closure contacts [censored] and is completely stupid, unreasonable and hurtful but it's hopefully them just checking in with each other, how the lying is going for OM and TRYING to end it versus secret affair bliss.

They might think you've key logged her phone versus having a copy of the bill still. Giving approximate times might help mislead them that you weren't looking at the bill. If you lose access, oh well, that's hours of your day not staring and refreshing a cell phone bill saved.

She may be buying his lies but when she questions him whether he's talked to your wife by phone and he denies it....she may realize she's being lied to and put the screws to OM harder.

I'm not sure I'm ready or wanting to travel down this road again. I would feel different if OM's W decided to stay in contact with me. I will think about this some more though.

W called around 11am to ask me some clarifying questions on the investment statements I sent by email yesterday. W also asked how the kids were last night and this morning. W said that she was waiting for a life insurance person to show up at her parent's house. Not sure what this is about, probably nothing...

W texts me later to see if I would look into a childcare subsidy from my job.

W then texts: I'm working through this financial stuff and it's making me so sad.
I reply: I know. I'm pretty devastated by it too.
W replies: I'm so sorry. I never would have thought this could happen to us of all people.

Fifteen minutes later, W calls to see how I'm doing. I tell W I am doing well and I am on a hike. W starts to cry. W then tells me that she is sorry, never expected this to happen to us, it all happened so fast, and is worried about me. I tell W that I am devastated by everything and for the kids, but I will be ok. I tell W thanks for thinking of me.

I listen to W cry and talk and give her time. I then tell W that I want her to be happy and I know that she will make the best decision for her. We talk about the kids some more and W says she will try hard to be a good mom to our kids. I tell W that I know she will be.

I tell W that I'm sorry she is having a tough time and to call if she needs anything. W replies with you too.

What do you guys think? Good approach? Bad approach?

I'm trying to show a little more emotion, be more vulnerable.
Plus, I wanted to throw that line in there about trusting W to make the right decision for her. It came from a book I'm reading called Getting Back Together. I think saying things like that is a 180 from my tendency to devalue her personhood in our MR.

I think this is encouraging. Like that you used the word "devastating". You may next want her to just put the divorce on delay mode because as soon as she gives the lawyers the green light....that money/retainer is GONE. They will have their secretary draft the documents and whether she files or not...the document preparation will end up totaling about the amount of the retainer. Just a couple weeks or months. She can already see her feelings are changing from hate and bitterness to just not absolutely sure. Why not give it a little time. She's got the rest of her life to be divorced.

It's NOT saying or committing to reconcile. Just some time...maybe give the kids one last summer together.....

THEN...distract her by saying "you want to come hiking with us this weekend".

Waywards LOVE to procrastinate and avoid reality. Only stay heavy or sad for a couple of minutes and then divert to something fun.

GB, I have to admit I'm a little discouraged by my latest piece of intel. It stinks to know that the A is still going on AND I will probably get served. W knows I don't want a D however if she continues to open up emotionally about it, I might suggest putting the D on ice for now.

I'm not giving up in the least, just feeling overwhelmed with knowing I am fighting the A and the D. I can't control W or how she feels. But I have taken this time to read a few more relationship books ( we can talk about these if anyone wants to ).