WAW Filed for Divorce Next Day Pt. 3 (Bob)

[Bob723]

We alll want to feel wanted in one way or another in all parts of our life.

Hello Smothy,

No truer words have ever been spoken. At one point during my crazy busy day today, I find myself thinking about your situation. In some ways it seems that we both have a lot in common, with the way our spouses are treating us.

Thank you for checking in. I haven't had much time to be online today, i'll check in on your thread tomorrow.

[Pyrite]

hey Bob,

i know how you feel. it is unbelievable how they become a different person. I have had quite a few off those texts, emails. I was in hospital for eye surgery which had become urgent, AND lost my hearing shortly after BD, stress "related". W knew fully. No text, call, zero. In fact. I stumbled oh unprotected FB postings of W and OM cuddling. W, OM, and my kids on picnics etc - captioned with "Fun with my family".

I linked to it from my FB. Then she called. Abused the c**p out of me, still no mention of surgery etc. Ironically hospital had it recorded that she was my next of kin to contact in case of emergency. I had to change this

My latest backslide started with .... see my thread. Point is it has to stop Bob. You know it. That's what you'd tell me right?

[Tulo]

Great post Zeus, and one I need as well as many others it seems.
I agree, you really have a way of making things clear in our muddled minds and hurting hearts! Thank you!!

Bob, sending you a massive hug, hoping it gives you a tiny boost to keep on going!

All my best to you all!

[Zues126]

Py- have you read the MLC thread with the satirical guide to driving your spouse crazy?

[Pyrite]

Maybe she truly is over me and has moved on.

I hate to tell you this but the WAS is over us at bomb drop.
Why do you think
we get bombed?

I hope you did not respond?

Cadet, I absolutely believe this - shouldn't it be OK then for the LBS to "get over" the WAS. This doesn't mean they have to be bitter, or deny their part, or work they need to undertake. ??

[Pyrite]

Py- have you read the MLC thread with the satirical guide to driving your spouse crazy?

i'll check this out too - sounds like after dinner entertainment

[Cadet]

Maybe she truly is over me and has moved on.

I hate to tell you this but the WAS is over us at bomb drop.
Why do you think
we get bombed?

I hope you did not respond?

Cadet, I absolutely believe this - shouldn't it be OK then for the LBS to "get over" the WAS. This doesn't mean they have to be bitter, or deny their part, or work they need to undertake. ??

So what do you think detachment means?

[Pyrite]

Thanks for reply Cadet. Well I did think this is what it was about. One way of achieving this mentioned in other "divorce" manuals is when things get rough, depressing that all you wan tis the S back, you can remoind yourself of the thing about then that were less than perfect. putting it into perspective that maybe you can take them down off the pedestal.

Then it was hammered into me that I wasn't allowed to have these thoughts. After reading DR I dont see this to be the advice anywhere. And yet it still seems to be the the position here. Grsnted, I can see why people take that position. Given the common reaction of the LBS and all the mainstream advice.
Maybe it is a bit overboard thats all.

Being repeatedly told that I dont get it, when I thought I did, only causes me to think it must be something more complicated. Yeah I was venting a lot about S when I joined, but that was almost entirely just that VENTING.

If DBing is not necessarily about BustingDivorce, but rather doing what is the best way forward regardless of the outcome, then I dont understand why any person would choose otherwise. BUT, it takes all kinds I guess.

In my sitch I haven't had an inch of movement since BD, well I have - in the wrong direction. Now she is pushing hard towards financial settlement. Here, we have to wait 12months after Sep before filing. Settlements can happen anytime, and will only expedite D if they are already done within the 12 months. For me, these settlements ARE the M. The D is just a piece of paper, as was the M.

I honestly can't see it happening for a long time that she even thinks of me, or regrets ending the M. I think it might in 3-5 years when he has secured his residency and moves on. But two things: 1. This won't make me more attractive to her. 2. I will most likely have moved on to another R by then. In short, I dont feel that reconciliation is possibly going to happen. The M is over. Doing for me then is just a healthy come down. If she does turn around, awesome, I think. But i'm afraid the affair might even be a deal breaker. At the start it wasn't, ut now it is too serious for me ignore as a fling.

Sad thing is I am sure it is a scam on his part. I met him, and spoke to n=him before this was an A. My W was a soft target. She could've painted a bullseye on her forehead even.

Am i way off base now?

[Cadet]

Pyrite(sorry for the hijack Bob, next thing I will be telling you to start a new thread..... )

I think you are leaving out two things with your post above.
Number 1 is that we can only CONTROL us.
Number 2 is doing a 180 (something that is counter intuitive)

So - yes - you came here to save your marriage.
In order to have any chance to do that you must first
save yourself!

Like on a plane that lost oxygen
Put on your oxygen mask.
Once you have saved yourself then
you can worry about saving others.

[Bob723]

hey Bob,

i know how you feel. it is unbelievable how they become a different person. I have had quite a few off those texts, emails. I was in hospital for eye surgery which had become urgent, AND lost my hearing shortly after BD, stress "related". W knew fully. No text, call, zero. In fact. I stumbled oh unprotected FB postings of W and OM cuddling. W, OM, and my kids on picnics etc - captioned with "Fun with my family".

My latest backslide started with .... see my thread. Point is it has to stop Bob. You know it. That's what you'd tell me right?

Hey Pyrite,

It's hard, but yes it does. I'll catch up on your sitch soon.

Thanks for posting. I really appreciate hearing that you know how I feel. (I wish you weren't going thru this, of course.)

Bob