Y'all are so amazing! So blessed to "know" y'all. Your prayers, thoughts, support and great advice continue to help me along this path. I truly pray for each one of you since we're all on this journey.
So, first. Treatment is going well. PRAISE BE TO GOD!! The Lord is so merciful and extremely gracious. My oncologist is very happy with the progress. This week is my off week and I am scheduled for a CT scan next week. PRAYING for good results. I don't sleep very well but trying to rest when I can. My energy and appetite are good. I've lost about 8 lbs since starting treatment in March and I think that's ok. I really don't want to lose too much weight cuz that'll make me prone to infection. Nutrition is key to healing so I really try to eat. Of course, it doesn't help when you have no taste buds so adding spices makes it better.
H still weird. He went to the beach with OW & her kids along with some other friends this past wknd. H really wanted our children to go but they all said no. H tried to sell the idea by saying that the hotel/resort has water slides and that the OW spent $1000 for them to have a separate suite while she and her children would be in another suite. Well, the minute our children knew OW was going to be there they said no.
I even asked our children that if they wanted to go - that it would be okay.I am really trying not to dissuade them from spending time with their dad even if the OW is around. They are the ones trying to dictate the relationship since they really aren't very young children...they do voice their opinion with reservation. H gets upset but so far hasn't forced them.
On a new note, someone has come into my life again. 23 years ago, I had a long term relationship that ended when he decided grass was greener over there. I was heartbroken but we were young and not married. I forgave him a long time ago and he did try to become friends a few months after our breakup but I didn't reciprocate out of respect for his new relationship. I never saw him with hate nor did I resent him. So in essence, we hadn't spoken or seen one another in 23 years!
Anyway, we have a mutual friend and she asked me if it was ok that he have my number since he asked. This was many months ago right after my H filed for D. But new guy (NG) never called until this week because his father died so NG came into town. His whole family lives here and NG lives 3000 miles away. NG knows about the cancer and my impending D. He's divorced too. I felt okay seeing NG cuz I have no expectations and really see him as a long lost friend. We talked as if no time had passed. However, he later disclosed to me that he should've married me a long time ago. He kept saying how all his friends and his parents have told him that I was the best girl he'd ever dated and that we should've been married. He even said that he'll wait for the D to be final and that no matter what I do that he won't be scared away. He wants stability, marriage, family and the cancer doesn't scare him. He says he won't let me go again. Hmmm???!!!
I didn't know what to do with this information. It kinda feels good to hear that an ex comes back only to say that they shoulda married you and that u were the best thing that ever happened to them. I liked that. But I know this NG is a different person from the one I dated a long time ago as I am a new person too. I am still fresh on this D path. But who knows. Maybe this NG or really Old guy is just to keep me from stressing out so that I can feel good about myself from a male perspective. I miss that. I miss a guy hug from a guy who honestly cares about me.
I don't know if he's sincere. I don't know him as a liar and feel that he's lived a single life, a married life and now that he's older and single again - no MLC, I think he has a better sense of who he is and what he wants.
I am just rambling but this is therapeutic to write down. Thanks for listening everybody. I guess after writing this out, I do want him as a part of my life... he's a "nerdy" type and I think he could mentor my children in that sense. NG is an intellectual and my H is more creative, artistic, hands on type of guy. I haven't told my children about NG because I feel I am still married, and I am not dating him. I don't think that it would be wise to bring him in right now. NG isn't pushing anything either. He's kinda just in the wings. We just met once for dinner and have talked on the phone a few times. If NG wants to be a part of the ride, he better hold on cuz it's rough.
I just hope that my children will be open to this in due time. So far, they've told me that I should date now so that I could be happy. I tell my children that I don't need someone else in my life to be happy. I am happy with or without a life partner/husband. I am happy because God makes me happy - a deep joy is a better sense of happiness. My children are an extra blessing. :-) Just like having a husband/life partner would be an extra blessing too.
maybe this NG/OG is just for this week. Maybe this will be for a few months. My love for my H is not the same. It's lost. It's not there. That is so sad to write and my heart hurts for him but my life doesn't depend on him. This NG and my love for him is different. Only because I know we are different people with different experiences and we have to get to know one another again. It's a young love .. you know you never forget your first love.
Y'all don't worry. I am not jumping into a new R yet. I pray for wisdom and discernment. I pray for favor. I pray for healing for me and my children. I pray for my H - to wake up from this MLC fog. I pray for this NG/OG - I hope he's genuine in wanting a friendship or whatever.
Okay - enough of the emotional rambling. I'm open to y'all's wisdom.
Thank you LoisB, pbetra, Georgiabelle, BrightFuture and 123Gwen...for the prayers, encouragement and support. Love to y'all.
