gan 6 - return to human be-ing

[Zues126]

Gan: "Before you read on, know that I intend this as a friendly discussion and do not mean to point the finger"

Z: I braced myself after reading this opening. I'm definitely sensitive about this subject as I've historically felt ashamed of my desires, have turned to porn and fantasy to medicate, have behaved destructively to try to control my partner, and have watched that lead to the destruction of my M. Yet I didn't feel judged or attacked by your post, and for that I felt it was important to offer a sincere THANK YOU before going further. In fact, it felt a lot like compassion and understanding, those are powerful healing forces.


Gan: "There’s a flip side too: When the highER desire spouse speaks of their need for sex, there is a tendency for the lowER desire spouse to (wrongly) think that their partner is over-sexed. Many HDS turn to porn to compensate (you did, my H did too)…right or wrong it fulfils the prophecy.
It’s a stalemate. Everyone feels bad. Game over."

Z: Yes. Stalemate describes the last chapters of my M. And the feeling of my needs or desires being judged was devastating to me. Just as I mentioned how sensitive this is, it was very hard to open up about who I am so I learned I was hideous and I needed to put my mask back on, pretend to be the person she wanted me to be, and take care of my own needs...

I can see the other side as well, being treated like there's something wrong with you for not being higher geared, or not being able to satisfy your man, being insufficient, not being able to measure up with a fantasy world, and being told to go to the doctor for help, etc. Truly heartbreaking to see how both people can be so hurt by the different sides of the coin.

Gan: "Finally, you’ve used a few examples - like how it would be like not feeding the dog just because don’t feel like it, or depriving kids of going swimming when you know it’s really important to them. I understand you were using these to illustrate just how important the issue is to you. And I think I am coming to understand this in a way I didn’t before. The difference between these examples and sex is the fact that the latter involves me putting my body out there in a very, very personal way. There’s a whole lot more that goes along with that."

Z: Agreed. Just don't underestimate how hard it is for a guy that struggles with sharing his emotions, fear of rejection and abandonment, and shame about his desires, to then open up to his partner and talk about what's in his heart. It's strangely parallel.

What my W didn't know was that I didn't just feel rejected when she rejected me. It was perpetual.

Every time I saw a TV commercial that used a sexy woman, I was hurt that she didn't understand there's a reason for all of those commercials, it's because it's THAT important to men that it captures our attention. Walking through the mall and seeing a Victoria Secret sign hurt because it reminded me that there were other women that understood the desire in their men and took pride and joy in satisfying it. Basically, every single time I felt desire in my heart, I felt rejected again knowing I was alone with it, that I couldn't turn to the only person in the world I was given to turn to. I don't know if those feelings washed over me dozens or hundreds of times a day, but it was a downer. So each real rejection lead to many, many rejection 'echoes'.

But the flip side is that when we ML, when she tried things that I wanted to try, or she did things to surprise me and make me feel understood and special...I felt LOVE echoes like you wouldn't believe! Each of the above stimuli, well, I'd think to myself "I'm so lucky I have a woman at home that loves me, understands me, and is willing to celebrate who I am". So it's not a one way street, and the same thing that turns the heart to ice can turn it into a roaring furnace.