You'd think it would be the things you typically associate with M, like companionship, intimacy, etc, etc. But the bulk of those are usually dead for a while before BD.
Instead for us co-dependent types it can be hard to give up on the idea that "they need us" and just don't know it. We meet our emotional needs by them needing us, that's how we feel important, valuable, or whatever. So sometimes detaching is hard because even when they're treating us poorly we're still dependent on them for their dependence on us. And even when they insist they don't want our love anymore we believe they need us to wait for them, for the fairy tale ending.
What's especially tricky is that's not far off the truth. Standing by the M is about being strong enough to give that a chance to happen. But it's also about detaching and ending the cd so that both parties can reestablish boundaries, and that way in the future if R were to occur the M could be redefined. It's just so painful to go through that process. Many new posters are trying to find a way to go to the R without truly separating, and that's why it doesn't work that way very often.
So how do you actually detach? In light of the above, I'm starting to think that detaching occurs when we build an infrastructure to meet our own needs without our WAS. That's why GAL is so important. It gives us chances to meet other people and have other experiences that meet some of our needs.
Little by little you build a new system. I get some needs met from being a dad. From my job. From my friends. From my hobbies. And from posting here. Eventually I realize that most of what I got from an R I can get on my own. And the things I can only get from an M I really wasn't getting from my M anyway...
That's the moment when the scale tips and we ask ourselves what the WAS has to offer us.
But that's the moment we have to remember to act on belief, not emotion, and have faith that if you can change, they can too, and that anything is possible...even having a different M with your WAS that does meet your needs.
How long we stand may vary, but I think it's at least long enough to finalize the D, go through all of the above, give yourself enough time to fully grieve, and have your life change enough that looking at your M is like looking at a high school year book...a totally different period of your life that is gone forever.
The good news is that once you detach it's not as difficult, in fact in many ways it really is easier than during a bad M. So waiting 3 years sounds crazy to a new poster, until you realize years 2 and 3 might be a lot of fun
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Almost everyone I know thinks I should give up on her. I'm still not ready to.
Bob
Was catching up on your last few days Bob and this caught my eye. I have had such a hard time with this too. I finally printed out "The Lighthouse" thread and will read it to them. Although I do not think my H is in an affair, I think the thoughts work for any of our spouses.
Hang in there! I'm praying that you continue to find out how special and unique you are!
{{{Bob}}}
M 46 / H 43 T 24/M 18 S 4 11/6/2014 ILYBNILWY 1/16/2015 Living in separate bedroom 1/8/2016 H moved out
Bob, sorry I've been away from the boards gal and trying to get through my sitch as best I can. Just got caught up on the last couple of days for you. Sorry it's been so rough with your wife distant and the callous feeling of the text back.
Hello Rip,
Please, no need to apologize. I appreciate you looking in when you can.
I didn't mention it Sat or yesterday, but my big GAL activity this past weekend was going with a local Meetup Group to a very famous mansion. It was awesome and I met some very nice people. It was my first event wit this group.
Thank you for the advice and the encouragement. I could use both!
How are you Rip?
Regards,
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
So how do you actually detach? In light of the above, I'm starting to think that detaching occurs when we build an infrastructure to meet our own needs without our WAS. That's why GAL is so important. It gives us chances to meet other people and have other experiences that meet some of our needs.
Hello Z,
Wow! What an enlightening post. It should be added to one of the special forums, Zues!
I read your post 3 times because there are so many good comments in it.
I didn't mention it Saturday or yesterday, but my big GAL activity this past weekend was going with a local Meetup Group to a very famous mansion. It was awesome and I met some very nice people. It was my first event with this group. I even had one woman (who I admit I found attractive) flirting with me. I must admit it stroked my ego a little. Of course, nothing came of it as I kept my distance. I still love my W!
Zues, I think you have s special gift. That gift is being able to put things in perspective for others.
I just don't know what I'd do without you and the others on this forum.
Maybe I can post more later....I'm still at work.
Take care.
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Was catching up on your last few days Bob and this caught my eye. I have had such a hard time with this too. I finally printed out "The Lighthouse" thread and will read it to them. Although I do not think my H is in an affair, I think the thoughts work for any of our spouses.
Hang in there! I'm praying that you continue to find out how special and unique you are!
{{{Bob}}}
Hello Eirinn,
Thanks for taking the time to catch up on my sitch and post. You are so kind.
I read "The Lighthouse" thread quite awhile ago. I think I'll read it again to refresh my memory. Thank you for bringing it up.
First Mahhhty and now you. LOL! I am at work and my eyes are tearing up a bit with that very kind thought at the end. You, too, are very special and unique.
The hug felt good! Back at you.
{{{Eirinn}}}
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
Hey Bob, Just wanted to stop by and thank you for stopping by my thread and offer my support. I have read some of your posts but am not completely up to speed on your sitch. Just want to throw my support out there!
Me-44 (45) H- 50 (51) M-'96
S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)
BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas) home Oct(sep rooms) (EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed) insists wants D through July 2015 no more talk of D since
We alll want to feel wanted in one way or another in all parts of our life.
I remember a few years back having a discussion with my H. I was explaining to him how much I want him but did not need him. He was visibly upset by this. he me saying he needed me to need him emotionally. I was trying to explain that this was so much better than needing him but now I can understand how he felt as I now want him to need me.
A few months later he gave me the ILYB..... Wished I read the signs then.
Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18 EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13 Move to work abroad Sept 14 re establish contact with OW while away D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15
I hope you had a good day today my friend and thanks for swinging by.
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Hey Bob, Just wanted to stop by and thank you for stopping by my thread and offer my support. I have read some of your posts but am not completely up to speed on your sitch. Just want to throw my support out there!
Hey Lost,
You are most welcome! I really love trying to help others out even if it's just with words of encouragement. And that's what you just did for me.
I really needed it tonight. Thank you and I hope you have a good day tomorrow
Back at you.