No, I don't think she wants to reconcile and don't want to even pretend that she does or that she wants to end her A. She does "not regret a thing" and "would do it over again" if given the chance. Ouch. She just wants me to play along, roll over and not make a stink. She seems to get off on being mean but I can handle it a lot better now. I just let it roll off my back.
Why is it called cake eating if they have already left? Cake eating is for when they are still in the Marriage isn't it?
I do think the more I respond to her, the madder it makes her. That is not my goal of course, but it protects me so that is a good thing. She keeps cyclinbg back to either kick me or punch me "metaphorically" speaking and to see what response it gets.
The response she gets now is nothing. I tell her nothing, ask her nothing and respond with nothing. Except where kids are involved, and then it's very short, cordial and then goodbye.
In my heart, I feel she has made her decision, which fuels my decisions which is a vicious cycle.
How many times a day should the non custodial parent call? My stbx calls about 6 times per day. I have suggested setting a time once per day say 6pm - she ignores it and calls whenever.
How much is too much? Ok, I'm late on this, but I personally think 6 times per day is too much. I think it is a passive aggressive control move on her part, and think you should limit it unless a bonafide emergency.
Me M51 WW F46 T 17 yrs M 16 yrs 9 children D29 D27 D26 S24 S24 S19 S19 niece18 S17 8 grandchildren ILYBINILWY: 12/15/14 I discover PA 12/31/14 She files D: 1/9/15 She moves out 3/2/15 D papers served 3/18/15
Heavy, I think the cake eating can apply in your situation as she still wants you to be there to yell or vent at and to take her calls for your kids, while having her separate life. It might not be as cut and dry as other situations, but I do think in applies.
She is calling waaaay too much for the kids and I agree with Kramer that it is a control thing. Maybe talk to your lawyer about it?
I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with this as you don't deserve it. Keep powering through and remind yourself frequently that you are awesome and nothing she does can touch you.
{{{{{Heavy}}}}}
M 46 / H 43 T 24/M 18 S 4 11/6/2014 ILYBNILWY 1/16/2015 Living in separate bedroom 1/8/2016 H moved out
I've been working so hard at this whole DB plan. And doing it for me, I know that. A few folks have commented that I look great due to my weight loss but that's about it. One person said I looked ten years younger. That does make me feel better after being dumped and discarded.
As far as detachment goes, I think I am getting better at it, but that too worries me, of course. I have detached to the point of no communication at all. My s9 was sick today so I let him hang out in my office. He's a great s9 and we actually had a fun day together. My D6 thought it was incredibly unfair and refused to get out of the car. I did manage to get her into school. All of this previously would have previously left me unhinged, not any more, I just get on with it. I don't freak about the small stuff anymore either. I can handle it solo. I wish I didn't have to but it is what it is.
I have been thinking a lot about the Stockdale Paradox and yes, the cold brutal truth is evident. I will get through this, not sure when but the real prize is getting over someone who did not love me like I loved them. Why would I want someone who put their needs before the needs of our marriage and family?
I have also been reading a lot about Affair Downs and wow is this ever true in my case. Does that make me feel any better? A little I guess, but it is depressing to throw it all away for an "Affair Down".
An old friend called me today, heard the news and called to check on me. I was incredibly touched that he would take time out of his day to call. He shared he had been in my situation before and he "gets it". I was grateful for his gesture.
I am working on updating my kids school year books. I designed the book covers and am working at preserving the "best" of the years work to save. This is all something I never did before. Strange how the roles have reversed.
Heavy d. I don't get your exact situation or what you ww means or meant to you. However, I can sympathize and understand. It's tough to feel like if you kept hanging in there and fighting that maybe she would come around and then you have a chance to be stronger together for it. That you're letting down your family and everyone else because clearly she's not thinking straight, she's a ww and addicted to the affair. So, by letting go you are responsible for killing any chance of repair and any chance of that family.
You are not responsible for that, neither am I. You are right in that you will get through this and the time you feel alone, weak and depressed are better than being married to someone you can't trust, that doesn't respect you nor love you the way you deserve.
These are all things I know you know and things everyone else will tell you too. I also understand the brain and logic come to that conclusion much faster than your heart does.
I wish you the best and appreciate you keeping us posted. We're all rooting for you and know you'll come out of this on top!
M-33 W-33 S-11, S-8 M-11, T-14 BD - 12/26, Divorce Filing and admits to affair (her) 4/18 I moved out 5/23
You are right Ripken, I feel guilty for letting her go, because I think I will kill ANY chance for reconcilliation and our family to be entact.
We haven't spoken in weeks and any communication at this point is very brief but cordial emails or texts. When she texts or calls for the kids, I tell them, Mom called, call her back. They either do or don't depending on what they are doing. I think that is a good strategy to get out of the middle of the phone call issue.
Kind of getting used to the feeling of being the Captain of my own ship. I like not being criticized or yelled at all of the time, I like not having to cowtow to her punishing schedule - it's nice just to do nothing on the weekends but relax. Even the kids tells me how much they like to just go home and relax. We watch movies, eat fun lunches, jump on the trampoline, ride bikes, have friends come over, have sleep overs, read, just relaxig things that help me recharge for another week.
I don't feel as though whatever I do is not good enough. I would get criticized for not interacting more with people, for not holding doors open for people all the time, being ordered around, and just basically feeling lke an employee instead of a partner.
I feel like I can breathe deeply again. So maybe that is what everyone talks about when they are "detaching". If so, I will continue to do it.
The kids tell me that there are no other kids at the WW apartment and they have not had 1 play date there. There is a guy downstairs that does not like noise and makes a stink if they make noise (they are kids and of course they make noise). That makes me feel sad for them, that they can't just be kids to run and play, but there is nothing I can do about that.
What does it mean when I would ask my spouse for specific examples of what she was talking about and she would always say "You should know" what I want. She would say "This (our relationship) is broken and I would say OK, can you give me an example of what is broken? "You should know if you really loved me" was the usual answer I got.
I did this so many times, and she would either refuse to tell me or say "I should not have to tell you".
This always left me confused and searching my brain for the answers to her mystery statements. Clearly she was trying to communicate soething to me, but why woulnd't she just articulte it? Why did she want me to jump through hoops trying to figure out what she wanted or needed from me?
Is this an immature answer or am I missing something?
So we spoke - it was cordial but brief about children and summer plans.
She mentioned that her mediators will get with my lawyer to speed up this process. I am not even sure that is possible but her intent was to confirm to me she is full steam ahead with the D. She apparently like to confirm this with me every time we talk, she wants the D, she wants the D, she wants the D. It's like her mantra.
Mostly I am non reactive, I just say OK, but the ball is in her court. Since she doesn't have a lawyer, I am not sure what she can do.
As most of you know, my plan was to work on me which I have been doing, stall this D out as long as possible, hope her A with the circus freak burns out and maybe we can start with marriage counseling if she is willing.
I don't know - it feels not good at this point but I continue to DB and "act as if."
