W called around 11am to ask me some clarifying questions on the investment statements I sent by email yesterday. W also asked how the kids were last night and this morning. W said that she was waiting for a life insurance person to show up at her parent's house. Not sure what this is about, probably nothing...
W texts me later to see if I would look into a childcare subsidy from my job.
W then texts: I'm working through this financial stuff and it's making me so sad. I reply: I know. I'm pretty devastated by it too. W replies: I'm so sorry. I never would have thought this could happen to us of all people.
Fifteen minutes later, W calls to see how I'm doing. I tell W I am doing well and I am on a hike. W starts to cry. W then tells me that she is sorry, never expected this to happen to us, it all happened so fast, and is worried about me. I tell W that I am devastated by everything and for the kids, but I will be ok. I tell W thanks for thinking of me.
I listen to W cry and talk and give her time. I then tell W that I want her to be happy and I know that she will make the best decision for her. We talk about the kids some more and W says she will try hard to be a good mom to our kids. I tell W that I know she will be.
I tell W that I'm sorry she is having a tough time and to call if she needs anything. W replies with you too.
What do you guys think? Good approach? Bad approach?
I'm trying to show a little more emotion, be more vulnerable. Plus, I wanted to throw that line in there about trusting W to make the right decision for her. It came from a book I'm reading called Getting Back Together. I think saying things like that is a 180 from my tendency to devalue her personhood in our MR.
I think this is encouraging. Like that you used the word "devastating". You may next want her to just put the divorce on delay mode because as soon as she gives the lawyers the green light....that money/retainer is GONE. They will have their secretary draft the documents and whether she files or not...the document preparation will end up totaling about the amount of the retainer. Just a couple weeks or months. She can already see her feelings are changing from hate and bitterness to just not absolutely sure. Why not give it a little time. She's got the rest of her life to be divorced.
It's NOT saying or committing to reconcile. Just some time...maybe give the kids one last summer together.....
THEN...distract her by saying "you want to come hiking with us this weekend".
Waywards LOVE to procrastinate and avoid reality. Only stay heavy or sad for a couple of minutes and then divert to something fun.
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
