mlc rut

[pbetra]

Hi there, finally have a bit more time to complete.

Well, time is passing by & Summer is fast approaching! As expected, this has been a roller coaster - some days better than others. I have felt out of sorts on occasion. Since that turning point for me, h has 'switched' - but that's mlc for ya, we r 'fine', then there's a switch & 'ta da,' it's mlc, & now he switched (?) again. This is very confusing for me.

H:
He stopped going out, hangng out with the boys
would account for his time out (even though I never ask!)
started contributing some financially
found biz opportunity and immersed himself in it BIG time. fills me in on developments re this (even though I never ask)
calls out when he leaving home
tried to be intimate (many times)

me:
Sadly, I didn't feel anything much after the cruel, 'impactful conversation' (was not able to shake that numb feeling at the time )
I am beginning to 'thaw' a bit (but am not able to be intimate with him)
I am NOT getting even w/ or punishing h. I cant feel the way I used to - something happened to me that day. I changed & he experienced it (big time!) I was distant, indifferent, 'cool'. Then he 'changed' (big time) a few hours later.
I wondered if I should try since he seemed 2 b trying
Generally, h has been very observant. he asked me about how pensive i was & what was I thinking? I said that I have a few things on my mind that I need to sort out - no biggie)
At times, he seems sad & realizes that he is not reaching me
I occasionally experience times when I want the M. but feel no hope for it. h is very 'b & w' ... 'fixed' in his thinking. very confident ( & for good reason, he IS smart). It's just that you can't always speak w/someone who feels that they are right so much of the time. I mentioned something re: my father & immediately rec. "that's no excuse" - it wasn't, we were talking & I was being honest. I answered his question. This is typical - what I say is often nonsense or excuses (the 1st, 2nd 8th (!!) time, Ill let it pass, BUT come on! I've have enough of 1-way understanding).
I felt he responded the way he did (switch) since he had no options but I also suspect that he thought very much about the layers of LOSS. It hit him. He never expected me to be 'ok' with him going ... actually I never thought so either! I surprised myself, never thought that I wud live my old age without him.

I was amazed at h transformation.
The (apparent) *switch took about 2 - 3 hours (started while I went out on my errand). By the time I got back, he was clearly into the reconcile mode (I wondered - * Is this due to fact that my actions communicated how serious I was? had changed so much? that I did something that he thought wud NEVER happen? OR was it yet another 'act??!' ( dunno, & not concerned about figuring out either)

When I returned from my errand that day, he clarified some information re the fateful conversation. I was so confused and ready to move on it didn't matter. Tired, I was changing, getting ready to do the '@ home ' things ... and again, he appeared explaining something else. By the time this song & dance episode was over, he had (apparently) forgiven all the evil I had done & I was wonderful again ( "let's put it behind us, move on, blah blah ..")

The touching complimenting, thoughtfulness continued every day after that. At night, was no different.
I see these actions as 1 of 2 things ... or a combination.
1 - the typical manupilation tactics of mlc behaviour
2 - a (eh hem) 'changed' mlc-er. This is not a stable mind so anything is possible if it serves their needs. At the beginning of this mess, h made me the enemy b/c he HAD TO, it served his needs at the time - it gave him the permission slip to do what he wanted & a nice, 'safe' person to dump all the crap on.
So why not is a 'switch back' a possibility? If switching serves current needs, then switch back we will! Anything is possible in this 'state of mind,' isn't it? Anything. There is so much coping & desperation (which is NOT a great combination).

Although I fell for this last year (trying after seeing him 'try' & standing 4 M), I no longer have the endurance to keep at it, or the belief in anything this 'frail & unstable'. I think he will get frustrated eventually & revert ('tick tock'). No resolution (re real issues), no change.

H is already showing signs. I sensed some anger at some point ( re intimacy) but h was careful not 2 be too obvious. He tries to turn down the rage around me. Although I am saddened about how this is unfolding I cannot support the level of entitlement/sex. Consistent & ongoing sex (as if all is dandy) is no solution, if other areas needing attn. are ignored. He's ignoring other areas!! It's as if b/c he switched (back) that I should just pick up where we were and 'feel feelings.' Am simply not there yet, I dont have that particular switch!
We are pleasant to each other in spite of the persistent strangeness that surrounds us in daily life. He seeks me out to chat with me. I am not interested in getting back so I return the pleasantries.

Me again! w/child, C.
On a good note, spent loads of QUALITY time w. child (last year at this time, I did not know what on earth was happening as I was just entering the wacky world of mlc & all it brings). I have been organizing bit by bit. C is doing so much better! We also DO more outside b/c the weather has been so good (kite, biking ... ice cream) board games when we can't get out. The outdoor time has been good for both of us & improvements at school are obvious! Even the teachers are surprised. I continue to work at keeping C happy.

I also got a mini assignment!! Am enjoying challenging my mind. There's a bit of money coming in as well. When I get my first paycheck, I will take C out to eat at fav restaurant (including dessert! ) Just the two of us!

So that's it for now. Thought I would fill you in re: the switch but ended up reading other posts when I came by to post my own. p