U-turn ... as typical I follow your sitch but do not always post.
Things I see is your W wants it her way, I can relate .. mine was the same... still tries here and there. Call it cake-eating, control, whatever you will .... Seems the WAS has this stuff all plotted out and when the LBS does not play the role we were 'cast' to play. I would continue to hold your ground, refuse to live an open marriage.
As far as the letter, I get it comes from that area inside you where there is alot of hurt and pain... I relate so well to that. And like you wrote ... its one thing to forgive and a complete other to forget. However it does read a bit judgmental ... alot of "You did this, you did thats" ... now if its just to vent and purge I get it, but I would never send something like that. You did own your part which I think is big but I would try to get away from that pointing finger routine, its not healthy.
Truth is there are many reasons when a M runs into trouble, we all play our part, all we can do is own our share. I think you are wise not to allow the elephant more room to grow, set your boundaries and state what your needs are, what you can and can not accept, then express to your W she has a choice that she is free to make. Its not controlling, its her choice at this point, and even if it were a new relationship that other person would have the same choice, that is how I am currently approaching things, the old M is dead, the old me died aswell ... I learned my needs and wants are important, and I would not want to spend my time with anyone who was not considerate of that.
