Life after D - 01 - going from dark to light

[gogofo]

This last weekend had the potential to be rough, but I made it through in pretty good fashion.

It was exactly one year ago that the XW and I had our first meaningful night together since she left me at the beginning of the year. I remember because it was the day of my mom's birthday and I went over to her house and made her pizza since I had made it earlier that evening for my mom. I remember how excited I was that we were trying again.

I thought I would have a lot of those feelings come up again and feel the loss all over again, etc. I had some feelings, but the emotional pain was not there as hard as I figured it would be. I was sad every now and then and also a little mad, but it didn't bring me down.

When looking back I also see that I was not in as good of a place with my self than I am today, so that is a very good thing for me.

My weekend was busy busy and that also helped too. I visited Friday night with an old friend, Saturday was super busy from 8:00 to 11:00 p.m. between kids stuff, mom's birthday, and the boxing match, Sunday was busy again and I had my friend over for dinner before they left.

It was nice to talk with my friend and his wife and run down my whole M and D and all points in between. It helps me to talk about it and hear other perspectives. My friend turned very religious in the last couple years and he said that him and his wife and their prayer chain will be praying for us. I found this a very generous and sweet action from him, no matter my personal beliefs.

The XW came over to pick up the boys and my friend and his family was still there. I think it caught the XW off guard and she seemed to wheel around quickly and leave. It was nice to have people there after the exchange as I get down when the boys first leave.

Last night I had a weird dream about the XW and the facts escape me except for I think I was unloading on her all calling her on all the crap she pulled during our M and reconciliation attempt and all the OM stuff. I was really angry and blamed her for what has been destroyed, family wise. Looks like I still have some Nice Guy rage in me and I will need to deal with this. The D is still pretty fresh, but I do feel I am making progress.

Randomly saw the girl I like at a stop sign over the weekend. Kind of random as she lives 200 miles away. She smiled really big and waved. My oldest boy had his window down and waved back too. He said "I waved at that girl so she knows she is nice." I have been telling him to always wave and say hi to the pretty girls, it made me laugh.

On a side note an employee and I have been talking and sending text messages back and forth about dealing with loss, pain, etc. He lost his dad and his GF left him in the same year and has been struggling to move forward. Oddly his old GF was my SIL and they met at a house party I had years ago. This all happened about 9 years ago and he has just felt at a loss and drifting.

He started asking me how I can be so happy and stay upbeat through all I have just been through as he didn't know till the end about my D. So I trade stories with him and share techniques and hope it will help him. He has other things that have held him back and caused him stress over the years. A lot of people in the office have wanted to help him out over the years but couldn't find the way. I started opening up and being honest with my feelings to him and he has started the same so it is nice to see my general happiness and growth through all this being noticed and helping others.