Focused on Me and My Son 2

[rd500]

Hope you and the boys have a blast Sherman. Put your aw completely out of you mind and enjoy Scarlett !! ( her acting obviously ) !!!

Stay strong for your and S and SS. take care. Rd

[Sherman333]

It was an eventful weekend. Friday, S7 and I just hung out at the house. Our neighbors are starting to show up with the warmer weather. Many of them are grandparents and always paid a lot of attention to the kids. With S7, he needs a lot more of it right now.

Saturday, I ended up picking up my former FS (who we were going to adopt in January) and took him to see the Avenger movie with S7. Afterwards, we went to McDonalds and I got them ice cream. Then we went to the new foster mom's house and stayed there until around 5:30 p.m. (she has FS9 2 little brothers too). The kids had a blast and were genuinely enjoying each other. I just soaked up the interactions/touch of family life. I'd forgotten what 4 kids sound like when they're having fun... all the giggles, laughter, complaining, etc. :P

When it was time to go, both my son and my former foster son had a hard time. I had to pick up my son and just hold him as he cried. He couldn't even bring himself to tell FS9 goodbye he misses him sooo much. S7 did tell me how mad he is at mom again... I told him its ok to be mad, that I'm upset with the situation too and left it at that. I did have a distraction planned and we transitioned to that (getting a new video game). After which we headed home for the night.

On Sunday, S7 and I went fishing for a little bit. I'd picked up a new spinning rod/reel combination for him in camouflage (his favorite). He'd never used a spinning reel before, but decided he liked it after a bit because of the long casts it can make. Still says he doesn't like fishing... I told him just wait till you catch one of the big bass that live in the lake.

After a bit he did get bored and REALLY wanted to go swimming... I let him get in, but he only made it to his knees before he decided it was too cold. He still played in the water for 10 minutes or so. LOL

From there we went and me FS9 at church and they got to enjoy another hour and a half together. FS9 new foster mom told me that FS9 was really out-of-sorts and even threw a temper tantrum that morning. He was super anxious for us to get there and we didn't go until the 2nd service. When we got there he was waiting by the doors and the boys pounced on each other. I did have to tell FS9 that we probably wouldn't see him for the next 3 weeks. STBXW will have S7 for the next 2 weekends (I traded for Memorial day) and she doesn't do church... she calls it a cult (I was always the one that liked church). I'll see if she'll let me pick up S7 and drop him back off though as we get closer.

Then we went got S7 new shoes, looked at bedroom furniture, etc. I also sold the Jetski over the weekend, so that will help with some of the debt so that helps a lot, but it was $2k less than what I was hoping... depreciation on those machines is killer. At least I owned it outright and in my name only.

As for me... watching the boys being upset was a trigger. I'm feeling a lot of the anger and sadness again. I've been feeling it since Saturday and a lot today. Maybe that's where the fear was setting in last week? Still not sure. I've been easily teary eyed all day... and I'd been doing really well.

I did see my IC last Friday. In talking with her about more of my interactions with STBXW, I'm even more convinced about the STBXW being a Covert Narcissist. The emotional abuse had gotten bad and I remember thinking that dying would be better than dealing with what was going on, but divorce wasn't an answer... talk about twisted. As the STBXW continued to heap the abuse out, I rejected it and never accepted it as true... we fought a lot over it, the cussing, her mistreating people and kids, etc. I withdrew because that was the only way to find a respite, but would still fight when needed. The IC even suggested that it might have been my way of sabotaging the dance... and contributing to the STBXW looking for another source of supply. Rings kinda true with me.

I still can't get over that STBXW is expecting me to ask her for forgiveness (see post with texts above)... talk about hubris. That is soo backwards.

All stupid sad...

[Sherman333]

On thing I wanted to add.

S7 told me on Saturday that he likes it better with mom gone. That no one is yelling at him anymore. That he likes more.

He's still insisting on staying up in the master bedroom the bulk of the time, but is starting to venture down to play games on the 1st floor.

I asked him about it and his answer was "I don't know... I guess I feel safer here.".

He also told me that Mom called someone a dumb a$$ because she was mad the other day. He wouldn't tell me who though. This is pretty tame by her standards before she found out I was recording her. :P

[Vanilla]

Sherman, please try not to diagnose WW.

S7 is beginning to unfold with you, to get stronger. it is clear that you are the better parent for him. Do everything you can for your precious little boy.

Apologies for not visiting your thread recently, I have been a little preoccupied!

Rest and hold strong. I truly understand the abuse issue, it messes with the emotions. Paralyses like a rabbit watching a snake come squeeze the life out of it. Enjoy your films and what a lovely surprise.


V

[Sherman333]

Sherman, please try not to diagnose WW.

I know... And here's the "but". The reference to covert narcissism came from my IC after having me describe my interactions with the W over the last several years. It's amazing how much this seems to "fit."

Regardless, what understanding what the possible emotional issues helps my logical mind to keep the emotional side in check. My IC thinks that relative to typical, I'm doing extremely well for the situation. I'm taking this all with a grain of salt.

I know I'm not perfect and have made some genuinely human mistakes... letting some of the emotion get in the way of thinking clearly. But overall, I believe I've done rather well.

S7 is an awesome little boy. I have video of him dancing in McDonalds just because he was happy.

Apologies for not visiting your thread recently, I have been a little preoccupied!

No apologies needed. I'm doing ok.

So interactions with the STBXW... she's giving me the complete cold shoulder. Almost doesn't even acknowledge I'm present. I do make it a point to be polite and tell her goodbye. Otherwise, our only contact is through text messages.

And she still has to call S7 back to give her a hug goodbye when I pick him up.

She did agree to let me continue to take S7 to see FS9 on Sundays. But only so she could get her run in.

[rd500]

Hi Sherman. Your doing a great job with S. It's very sad to read about SS I can only imagine what the little fellow is going through

Take care. Rd

[Fogg]

So interactions with the STBXW... she's giving me the complete cold shoulder. Almost doesn't even acknowledge I'm present. I do make it a point to be polite and tell her goodbye. Otherwise, our only contact is through text messages.

Remembering much of the interactions you both had just a month or two ago, I would say cold shoulder is an improvement. I still don't understand how you were able to handle yourself so great with what you were dealing with. Keep being polite and do what your doing, maybe the way your handling yourself is starting to wear on her and shes beginning to look at herself slightly.

[Sherman333]

Thanks Fogg,

I would say cold shoulder is an improvement.

I'm in complete agreement!

I think in her mind, she's punishing me. See "Silent Treatment" from the quote below. She's been pretty pissed about everything and that I'm not doing everything the way she wants.

Narcissist’ s controlling and manipulation techniques

Gaslighting is a subtle, underground maltreatment, that can go unnoticed by the victim until it is too late. It penetrates you but it’s difficult to identify. Gaslighting is ambiguous, diffused, it is a dangerous kind of abuse. It leave no trace and you can’t prove it. Ambient abuse is perpetrated by dropping certain hints, by disorienting, its aim is to make you doubt your own sanity so that you are always left wondering what the narcissist is thinking and feeling. Don’t waste time trying to find out their motives or try to understand why they feel or think the way they do because it leads nowhere. Just accept you are a source of supply and move on. Gaslighting over a prolonged period of time can damage the victim sense of self and self esteem for a long time.

Silent treatment is used by narcissists who withdraw when confronted and is also a form of punishment they employ when you refuse to accommodate their needs. They ignore you out of the blue for as long as it takes, until you give up your own needs and agree to do whatever the narcissist wants you to do. Until you end up apologizing even, if they were in the wrong.

Divide and conquer is an approach used to isolate their victim. They’ll find out everything about you, your past, your secrets and use them against you, making you look bad while they are seen by everyone else as a perfect, loving and caring individual.

I still don't understand how you were able to handle yourself so great with what you were dealing with.

I'm normally pretty level headed. It always took her a lot to get me off center... but when I am I'm not the nicest. For the most part, I viewed it as feeding the beast by giving her exactly what she wanted. If I blew, then she'd be able to get me in a position that she could own the situation... I didn't want that to happen.

I remember her complaining to the cop about how calm I was... but at that point I'd been going through this for weeks.

She also knows at this point that I've lined up a lot of information that can be used against her.

[Vanilla]

Sherman all of these are abusive. I analysed my H abuse on my sitch more from my perspective of being on the receiving end of it. I did that to avoid having to diagnose H. It was deliberate as I have no clinical diagnosis.

However the one thing I have come to grips with is levels of abuse. To be on the receiving end of the colds is the highest level of emotional abuse.

Of greatest concern to me and I can tell for you, is the exposure of your son to this abuse and poison. The more that you can manage your reaction to the abuse then the calmer it will be.

Rest and peace

V

[Sherman333]

Thanks V. It's been fairly quiet in my situation.

The more that you can manage your reaction to the abuse then the calmer it will be.

I've been VERY calm through the bulk of this and have even been able to stop reacting when she hurts my son... beyond stating that we're done with it and leaving with him when needed. Luckily I haven't had to do this since she moved out... she was super embarrassed when I had an officer come back to the house to chat with her.

The STBXW has agreed to let me take S7 to see FS9 on her Sundays so she can get her run in. S7 has reported that both STBXW and OM are running together. She's even asked for one of the spare bikes so S7 can ride his bike while they run. At first I was resistant because having the spare bike is better if other kids come over. She was going to put $100 towards a new bike, but told her if she'd give me the money, I'd give her the spare bike (that's worth more) so I could get S7 something that allow him to go biking with me. Which I picked up last week. We rode around the lake together... 5 miles. S7 was geeked and proud of himself!!!

I also traded some things to get kayaks for both of us. Last Sunday was her day, but something came up (see below) that allowed me to have him for the almost the whole day. So we spent a couple hours in kayaks on the lake and he even wanted to fish.

Memorial day weekend we'll be going on a fishing trip and taking the kayaks with us. Coolest part is that I'll be able to take FS9 with us too. I haven't told S7 yet and won't until next week to cut down any noise with the STBXW from getting jealous. FS9 new foster mom doesn't like the STBXW much at the moment.

Only thing of note is a string of text messages from last Sunday. I'd love to have someone else's perspective (maybe Sandi?).

• STBXW If you haven't left the house yet, can I borrow your "small appliance here"? I forgot to bring the one from work home. I can bring it right back out
• STBXW I usually one at work since we have one there. I bring it home on weekends
• Sherman Yes. I'll bring it.
• ---------------------------------- Skipping a bunch of meaningless texts...
• STBXW I locked myself out of my car.
• STBXW I tried the keyless entry first and it let me in so then I locked the keys in car and now the keyless entry won't work
• ---------------------------------- Skipping a bunch of meaningless texts...
• Sherman Do you need me to come get you?
• STBXW Not yet. I am heading back to my car to try the code
• STBXW Code doesn't work and AAA will be about thirty minutes. Just take S7 to your place. This is taking too long.
• STBXW I will bring out clothes and backpack once I get this done with
• Sherman Ok
• STBXW Finally in car and heading home. Are you still in area?
• Sherman No. At home.
• STBXW Could you please look in the basket and see if my extra key is in there? Also I have your other set of sunglasses in my car.
• STBXW I thought I might have put extra key in car like a dork but it wasn't in there
• Sherman Ok. I'll look only thing I'd need is his school bag and lunch box.
• STBXW I'm bringing all of that and his clothes
• ---------------------------------- Skipping
• STBXW I'm sorry about how today turned out. I think the code I thought worked only did because I had the key in my hand and it opens it automatically when you approach with key. I wasn't thinking about that when I tested it out

• STBXW You will need to do his reading homework with him because we didn't do it. Was planning to today but plans got squashed.
• STBXW He did some worksheets for me for Mother's Day but the flowers one goes to Dad. It's okay. Glad he loves his Dad and has a good relationship with you.
• ----------------------------------
• STBXW For the record, I pick him up too. I play with him. And I help him whenever he needs help. But I guess it means more coming from you.

The flowers page S7 filled it out is addressed to me and he wrote on it all the reasons why he loves dad. It was supposed to be addressed to her.

• STBXW I'm looking over accounts spreadsheet and divorce settlement you gave as last one and I need to understand some things. Doesn't have to be now but when you get a chance.
• ---------------------------------- Skipping a bunch of financial discussions...
• STBXW I know you aren't screwing me over
• STBXW I just want to understand it
• STBXW I don't want to be married to you but I do love you
• STBXW I know you will do what is best for both of us
• Sherman Goal is to be out from under it all. Won't happen till the divorce is final.
• STBXW My part of the debt is killing me
• Sherman Because you skipped a payment and moved out. You surprised me by how quick and you're in a bind.
• STBXW The settlement agreement doesn't even say how much I would get so if it is not much and I am having to pay the personal loan that will kill me more
• STBXW But why am I responsible for he full amount on that loan? I see no end in sight
• STBXW But that is full amount and you have it saying I get defendant's share
• Sherman Because everything i took on exceeds everything I asked you to handle.
• STBXW So that means I get my own half and have to pay he full loan by myself
• Sherman We should be splitting everything
• STBXW Like house and other debts? Not sure what you mean
• Sherman Yes.
• Sherman But if you total up the full amounts of the monthly payments the personal loan is less than all the rest.
• STBXW Why did you reject everything I put in the agreement? Did you disagree with everything? Did you not have mutual agreement on any of what I added?
• STBXW But as we split it up going down road, I wouldn't have house or boat and I am giving jet ski over too
• STBXW Did you sell jet ski? I didn't see it. I wasn't really looking either.
• STBXW I don't have any clue about what you are saying with qualified domestic thing. You have good attorney. Why can't you have him draw it up. Why should I have to prepare that? My attorney is not up and up with stuff like that.
• Sherman My attorney prepared the agreement and that's what we'll be going forward with.
• Sherman Jetski is sold.
• STBXW What was wrong with some of the sections that I added?
• STBXW What did you pay down or off with the money?
• Sherman Credit Cards
• STBXW Are they gone?
• Sherman One is
• STBXW How does that work then? Do I get half since it was marital asset?
• Sherman Half of all the cards was yours
• Sherman Anything post separation is 100% mine.
• STBXW But it says I am only getting defendant's share
• STBXW That is saying I am entitled to my half and you still get half
• Sherman I'd have to reread it.
• Sherman Been a while.
• STBXW Ok sorry to bother you
• Sherman Did Sloan take a bath last night?
• STBXW Just need clarification on that plus why you rejected all sections I added. Don't understand the blanket rejection
• STBXW No sorry
• Sherman K
• STBXW Bye
• STBXW I will make sure he does in future
• Sherman Np. Just need to know so i can give him one tonight.
• STBXW Okay sorry again bye

I didn't really respond to this, but my take is she's starting to feel sorry for herself. S7 did tell me that STBXW and OM were discussing money and how the OM didn't think they had the funds to do something. I guess she still sees me as a financial resource for herself.