Lots of stuff needed to be done with D7. She wanted to learn how to pitch and to do better at batting - so I bought a bunch of extra balls, drove her to the park a couple of times and tutored her. We worked on her part for the school play that is happening in a few weeks. It's about animals in the rainforest and she does great until she gets to a specific line and slips into a weird accent - so "the forest is a pharmacy" becomes the "faaahwuus is a phaaamacy". It drives me crazy but I try not to show it . We got all of her regular homework done ahead of time because she'll be particularly busy during the week. She has a special report due soon on the Giant River Otter. We're also supposed to come up with a visual representation (the instructions came with the dreaded words "Be Creative!"). We decided we'll try paper mache - given that the river otter is a long, cylindrical, brown animal - I am worried this might end up badly.
D3's needs are simpler. We've been watching a lot of Warner Bros cartoons lately and as long as I let her chase me while saying "Beep! Beep!" and engage in some "Duck Season! Rabbit Season!" repartee - she's happy.
And of course - there's lots of stuff to be done around the house. In addition to the usual stuff there is still a fair amount of garden clean up. And my adult nephew is visiting this week- so I managed to get the house "visitor ready" and to make a few of his favorite cakes.
Why do I mention all of this? I don't know quite how to put this - but I'm in a place right now where I feel totally and completely disconnected from STBX - given that we've been separated for 9 months and that he's been primarily incommunicado during that time, you'd think this would have happened earlier - but I have always had this feeling that there was a gaping hole where he is supposed to be. I couldn't help but miss our previous comfortable and familiar routine and my life just felt so disjointed and full of upheaval. The very fact of his absence made him seem omnipresent.
Not any more.
Those feelings have gone. I don't know if this is permanent or fleeting, but I feel completely present and settled in my new reality. Our life is sometime messy and chaotic - but it is rich and fulfilling and I don't want to miss it.
That doesn't mean I'm immune to emotions regarding him and this situation. I still have moments of white hot anger and frequent moments of frustration. And sometimes I feel pity. My heartstrings still get plucked on a daily basis when I see how this hurts the kids. But...he just doesn't feel close to me anymore - he's not part of "Our".
Maybe this is a phase - there sure seem to be a lot of them after BD. Maybe we're approaching rock bottom and we have to live there for awhile before we can rebuild some sort of amicable co-parenting relationship.
I have built a separate life with the girls and when he appears it actually feels kind of intrusive (to me, not the girls of course).
Still hate that this happened. But it did happen and there is still a lot of life to be lived.
. We got all of her regular homework done ahead of time because she'll be particularly busy during the week. She has a special report due soon on the Giant River Otter. We're also supposed to come up with a visual representation (the instructions came with the dreaded words "Be Creative!"). We decided we'll try paper mache - given that the river otter is a long, cylindrical, brown animal - I am worried this might end up badly.