Focused on Me and My Son 2

[Sherman333]

It was an eventful weekend. Friday, S7 and I just hung out at the house. Our neighbors are starting to show up with the warmer weather. Many of them are grandparents and always paid a lot of attention to the kids. With S7, he needs a lot more of it right now.

Saturday, I ended up picking up my former FS (who we were going to adopt in January) and took him to see the Avenger movie with S7. Afterwards, we went to McDonalds and I got them ice cream. Then we went to the new foster mom's house and stayed there until around 5:30 p.m. (she has FS9 2 little brothers too). The kids had a blast and were genuinely enjoying each other. I just soaked up the interactions/touch of family life. I'd forgotten what 4 kids sound like when they're having fun... all the giggles, laughter, complaining, etc. :P

When it was time to go, both my son and my former foster son had a hard time. I had to pick up my son and just hold him as he cried. He couldn't even bring himself to tell FS9 goodbye he misses him sooo much. S7 did tell me how mad he is at mom again... I told him its ok to be mad, that I'm upset with the situation too and left it at that. I did have a distraction planned and we transitioned to that (getting a new video game). After which we headed home for the night.

On Sunday, S7 and I went fishing for a little bit. I'd picked up a new spinning rod/reel combination for him in camouflage (his favorite). He'd never used a spinning reel before, but decided he liked it after a bit because of the long casts it can make. Still says he doesn't like fishing... I told him just wait till you catch one of the big bass that live in the lake.

After a bit he did get bored and REALLY wanted to go swimming... I let him get in, but he only made it to his knees before he decided it was too cold. He still played in the water for 10 minutes or so. LOL

From there we went and me FS9 at church and they got to enjoy another hour and a half together. FS9 new foster mom told me that FS9 was really out-of-sorts and even threw a temper tantrum that morning. He was super anxious for us to get there and we didn't go until the 2nd service. When we got there he was waiting by the doors and the boys pounced on each other. I did have to tell FS9 that we probably wouldn't see him for the next 3 weeks. STBXW will have S7 for the next 2 weekends (I traded for Memorial day) and she doesn't do church... she calls it a cult (I was always the one that liked church). I'll see if she'll let me pick up S7 and drop him back off though as we get closer.

Then we went got S7 new shoes, looked at bedroom furniture, etc. I also sold the Jetski over the weekend, so that will help with some of the debt so that helps a lot, but it was $2k less than what I was hoping... depreciation on those machines is killer. At least I owned it outright and in my name only.

As for me... watching the boys being upset was a trigger. I'm feeling a lot of the anger and sadness again. I've been feeling it since Saturday and a lot today. Maybe that's where the fear was setting in last week? Still not sure. I've been easily teary eyed all day... and I'd been doing really well.

I did see my IC last Friday. In talking with her about more of my interactions with STBXW, I'm even more convinced about the STBXW being a Covert Narcissist. The emotional abuse had gotten bad and I remember thinking that dying would be better than dealing with what was going on, but divorce wasn't an answer... talk about twisted. As the STBXW continued to heap the abuse out, I rejected it and never accepted it as true... we fought a lot over it, the cussing, her mistreating people and kids, etc. I withdrew because that was the only way to find a respite, but would still fight when needed. The IC even suggested that it might have been my way of sabotaging the dance... and contributing to the STBXW looking for another source of supply. Rings kinda true with me.

I still can't get over that STBXW is expecting me to ask her for forgiveness (see post with texts above)... talk about hubris. That is soo backwards.

All stupid sad...