Surrendering this battle to win the war.

[Smothy]

Hope is dangerous. Very dangerous.

I feel that hope is keeping me at this spot of not moving forward, that's why like Pyrite I think I need to jump and abandon the hope of me saving the M.


Please read or re read the DB books. GAL is mandatory to Detaching and Detaching is mandatory to peace of mind. It is NOT "Giving up", it's moving forward and the difference is not merely semantics.

You need to stop the obsessive thoughts and the "loop de loop" of "WHAT IF/WHERE IS SHE?""

and the totally unsatisfactory experience of always asking WHY? WHY? WHY?
I should know, I wasted a year of my life asking that question. I still don't think my own h knows why. More important, what answer would have been "good" for me to hear? There's no way I will ever be able to wrap my brain around my h's choices then.

But here's a TIP: You CAN manage to stay married and be happy, without always understanding why our spouse did something. But you need to stop asking b/c that takes the focus off of your own work. Accept that you may never understand exactly why she is making her choices OR that the reasons for it are too painful to see on your end.

What matters is how you cope with all of that.

And the ONLY way I know how to do that, is by GAL. This can include a lot of prayer too, but it's for sure going to require movement on your end.

Not stagnation. Don't confuse standing still (or wallowing in pain) with Standing for your marriage.

That tends to stall growth AND ironically leads to the end of marriages prematurely.

Meaning, if you GAL for real,

then you will begin to ENJOY YOUR LIFE and that makes all of this DBing a heck of lot easier.

Make sense?

I need to stop the suffering that hope is giving me as Hope keeps me too attached. For our own sanity we need to detach and let go fully. I am finding this more difficult as I move towards the date of returning to the UK.

I don't know your thread well enough to know why returning to the UK will make it harder to detach.

Will you have more contact with her? It is home for you?

Regardless, you MUST begin to GAL asap. What can you do this Month?

h. List a few hobbies or interests of yours, or classes you'd like to take or a sport you want to play or coach
or a charity you could volunteer for, or a political organization, and get in good physical shape.

If you are a man of faith, check out your local church or make an appointment with a minister or priest (they're FREE!!)

There are tremendous resources in our world now. Even someone off the coast of Alaska can get online or the phone.

Avail yourself of the resources asap.

And begin to heal yourself. Good luck, keep on keeping on.

((Sorry for the hijack Pyrite))

Sorry, Pyrite too

Thank you for this advice. I am 'she'. I will try and answer some of your questions, firstly I have not seen H for 6 months, H served me D papers when I was here. We share a house together.

I finally got DR and DB books today! It has only taken @ 5 weeks. The country I am in is very difficult to do these things because of language, not always safe for a foreign female to be on their own.

here some of the things that I have done/ doing since starting this thread;


IC, weekly (via Skype)
DB too but not weekly
journaling
Searching on internet on self improvement
Reading up on self improvement books on how to Love myself, codependent no more.
Going out with co- workers at least twice each week
Become friends with people I see regularly at the places the international team go to, but language still a big issue
Started going out to concerts, theatres and shows (not in English!)
Been asked out and pursued by several men which I have enjoyed flirting with and drinks but no more
Speaking to friends and family regularly but usually only happens at weekends due to time difference and friends work commitments
Organising my move to my new job.
Learning a new language
Opened new accounts and separated finances

I have already joined some meet up groups in the UK in readiness for when I get back home.