Surrendering this battle to win the war.

[Pyrite]

First, I agree Mother's Day IS different

What's your wife's love language?

EXCEPT it's fine to say "thank you for bringing our children into the world and loving them" and that's it.

AND PLEASE Attach zero expectations from her.

Thanks for the ideas. I wouldn't be game to give her any sort of a book, let alone a R-"ish" book. I'm not even planning to sign the card, let alone make any nice comment.

The thing that will stick with me for the longest from the after math of BD was her insistence on me recognising that she didn't want to have a second child with me. She wanted a playmate for the first. Thats how much and for how long she has felt so little for me, even contempt.

She may very well have been angry. But this is a despicable thing to say and if true is unforgivable. Suffice as to say, I don't want to celebrate her bringing our kids into the world.

I will try not to have any expectations. But I am not as "tough" as I think I am when things are all going smoothly. I'll post separately re: todays events.

In your case, I assume there's no direct observation of your parenting. But rest assured that the children tell your wife when they've had a good time or when they miss you, etc. (But the converse is also true, i.e.' they'll tell her when they did not have a good time).

She's not a robot. Of course that hits her. She may repress it AND OR say "too little too late", or it may not be happening if the kids are seeing you cry or losing your temper and no, I'm not suggesting you are.

We have 50/50 custody. D4 and D2. D4 is Daddy's girl. The past few weeks have been rough because she has said things like "I never miss Mama, only Papa", and to W's face, "I dont like you". Not surprising. Since D2 was born she has spent almost all of her time with me. D2 is strangely attached to me. I am not sure how it happened really. She was breast feeding until Christmas time, and so primarily in Mums hands non-stop.

The week after we separated, W went away "on business". I was a wreck, but held it together for the girls, and we had fun. I just agonised all night long. Nowadays, you wouldn't even know there was anything wrong if you saw me with the girls. So NO, never sad or such. They are my greatest strength and inspiration.

My W, apart from wanting the time with OM, has never suggested anything else than 50/50 custody. I have always been Mr. Mom anyway, she just waltzes in and plays with the kids. I play with them too PLUS do all the cooking, cleaning, banking etc.

Since day 1 she has said to her friends, parents, mediators, etc. The girls are too attached to Py. I couldn't do that toTHEM.

I also GAL, big time, it helped me detach a lot.

It's mandatory to GAL in order to Detach.

I'd like to hear a lot more about what your GAL is like b/c without it, you won't be able to detach.

and Detachment helps your growth, keeps the focus on you, & helps you stay in your sandbox, and out of hers.

Make sense?

[color:#3333FF]
I'd venture to say that most of us faced similar questions. If you're being asked the same question repeatedly then your answer is obviously not sufficing.


My DB coach said that unless I was 100% certain that a divorce was coming and soon, (not a year in advance b/c that is way too long for a child to grasp and it looms over their heads too long as well)

you don't say it.

When my d's would ask if we were going to divorce, I'd say

"I sure hope not, b/c I have loved your dad a long time." Or something similar.

It's a positive true statement, yet not a denial of reality.

ALSO I made a point to reassure them if/when they pressed me on it b/c often their biggest fear is effectively losing a parent.

They need to know that even "if daddy and mommy don't live together anymore, we will share you b/c we both love you so much". They have to know they are Not losing a parent AND that the LBSer will be alright "alone".

IT's way too easy to over rely on our children's love to sustain us. Ends up burdening them at far too young an age. Pretty unfair really.

Excellent . This is basically what I say. I am paranoid that this is it though. Why D4 resents her mother. Because W is the one who doesn't want to go back. I don't know what she actually says to D4 but, from time I was present it was certainly not "I hope not".

So how is that ^^^ all going?

i'll have to get back to you on that. Big 180 on how i interact with EVERYONE. I am more patient, tolerant, actively listen and validate. It has made big difference I feel. I have made a much bigger effort to socialise at work. And outside of work. I am improving my R with parents and sister. Going over, coffee etc. as well. This is a big 180 with my father!

Working on me which is huge in itself. Seeing 1 IC, actively moving to another. Taking care of my medical "condition" for the first time in 20 years, not running away from it. 4 specialists in 3 months. actually 8, but others were 2nd opinions.

Meditating (nearly daily). Walk on the beach (nearly daily - near work). was swimming at the beach everyday until Easter (Southern Hemisphere). I used to hate beach, or avoid it at least - sand brrrggggghhh.

Stopped drinking. I was drinking a bottle of wine per day on average for the past 3 years.

Been seeing old friends. Sorta planning a trip interstate to visit old friend, but selling house so I might wait. Booked snow holiday for a few months time (with kids - first time). I stopped skiing b/c depressed about "condition".

building momentum for skiing buddy to buy yacht he has the money, and wants it anyway . organised sailing small craft withs friends H week after next when he get s back from trip. actually borrowing it periodically over next few months before buying(?).

weekend after this one with girls will go river kayaking, on my own, just for a n hour or so on calm river - at first. its been many years!

looking at re-locating with girls (1 hour away), checking out schools etc.

thats all i can think of right now. not bad - i was dreading ANSWERING B/C I DIDNT THINK THERE was anything (sorry caps lock)