gan 6 - return to human be-ing

[gan]

OK Zues, enough frivolity with my coffee guy, back to you. Before you read on, know that I intend this as a friendly discussion and do not mean to point the finger…just sharing a little of my journey and musings on the topic which is FAR from black and white -

I'll confess that when I first read your "I don't believe in 'just do it'" it was difficult. In fact, I had the idea in the back of my mind that if I could just find a 'JDI' woman vs. a non-JDI woman I might be ok

What I want you and V (and all highER-desire spouses out there) to understand is that telling the lowER-desire spouse to “just do it” is not the (entire) solution. “Just doing it” when one does not want to is the fast track to resentment and most likely ordinary sex. It’s only through a lot of self-reflection and reading (Schnarch) that I feel that this is something I can now take this on, that is, doing it and not feeling resentment. That’s an internal journey that no-one except ourselves can decide to go on.

My H used to express his frustration at the fact that “sex always happened on my terms". That made sense to me at the time because it meant we were both consenting. My light bulb moment didn’t happen til after BD when I read the books by Schnarch (recommended to me by my IC) in which he explains how the lowER desire partner controls sex. That seems counterintuitive - we usually think it is the HDS who wants sex so they must control it. I certainly felt like my H controlled it. But actually the reverse is true. The lowER desire partner controls sex…and quite frankly we don’t want all that responsibility!

As I said previously, there is a lowER/highER desire spouse on most issues in a marriage. It’s a position one takes on an issue, not a personality or biological trait. When you are the LDS it's your responsibility to confront the issue - stay your course (and be ok with it) or be willing to accept your partners perspective (and loose the resentment).

^^^ is profoundly more empowering than the message “just do it” or "go get checked out because there may be something wrong with you medically".

Natural reaction. I'm sure you've learned a lot since then, but it's not just about more sex. It's about finding ways to meet the emotional needs of your partner that are also filled during sex. That can take a LOT of pressure off the sex life as well, and lay a good ground work for it.

Yes, I have some definite regrets here…and the jury is out on whether my H communicated those needs to me and I didn’t listen/hear or if he didn’t communicate them. Probably a mix. Looking back I know there were some things I could have done that would have made a difference…and I foolishly didn’t. I will always regret that.

OK, those aren't my beliefs, just the thoughts that would stem from resentment coming from a frustrating point myself.

I won’t repeat what came before this ;-) But that ^^^ was your responsibility to work through. You let the resentment build and as such you developed ideas about women that you (probably?) projected back at your wife. I suspect this in turn might have made it harder for her to be intimate with you - because you projected that she was someone who didn’t want sex. If that’s how someone sees you, well, that’s sorta what you become.

There’s a flip side too: When the highER desire spouse speaks of their need for sex, there is a tendency for the lowER desire spouse to (wrongly) think that their partner is over-sexed. Many HDS turn to porn to compensate (you did, my H did too)…right or wrong it fulfils the prophecy.

It’s a stalemate. Everyone feels bad. Game over.

Finally, you’ve used a few examples - like how it would be like not feeding the dog just because don’t feel like it, or depriving kids of going swimming when you know it’s really important to them. I understand you were using these to illustrate just how important the issue is to you. And I think I am coming to understand this in a way I didn’t before. The difference between these examples and sex is the fact that the latter involves me putting my body out there in a very, very personal way. There’s a whole lot more that goes along with that. BTW I’m one of the 9% of women who is generally happy with my body and if the numbers are to be believed then I have an easier time….er…at the end…than 75% of women. Knowing all the faffing that goes around in my head on this topic, I can’t imagine just how hard sex would be for women who weren’t quite so blessed.

So - question for you, Zues. What would it take for you to believe that things could be different in this department between you and your wife? You are clearly left very hurt (as is my H).