Surrendering this battle to win the war.

[25yearsmlc]

Pyrite,

Please pardon the length of this but I want to address a few themes that seem to come up often in your thread.

First, I agree Mother's Day IS different b/c it's not specifically about the marriage or your r with your wife.

it's about her carrying and then bringing your children into the world, and nursing them and caring for them...whether you are married (or alive) or not.

Your kids are too young to manage this on their own.

Helping them make something for her would be great (a hand print in clay or drawn out and colored with the date and perhaps a frame of it? Just an idea and that would not be too pricey and it's not romantic but it IS thoughtful.

What's your wife's love language? Does she value hand made gifts or the store bought only? (SIDE NOTE I highly recommend the book "Five Love Languages" by Chapman. I suggest everyone read that no matter what stage you're in b/c it'll always be helpful in your R with your wife even if only as the mother of your children).

Helping the kids give her a Mother's Day gift ^^ is not pursuit if done right; it can be a friendly, thoughtful gesture that shows respect for her value as the mother of your children....

If a purchased gift is more to her liking, keep it simple. Involve the children as much as possible b/c it's really from them

EXCEPT it's fine to say "thank you for bringing our children into the world and loving them" and that's it.

AND PLEASE Attach zero expectations from her. Don't look for her to raise her eyebrows and then read into it or if she turns from you don't assume anything. Just help your kids do a kind thing for their mom. It's about teaching them to do this; not about how she reacts to your involvement. Okay? If you cannot manage this without over analyzing and obsessing about her response it may not be a good idea then. In that event I"d just text her a polite thank you.

The other comment I wanted to mention is that no mother is unmoved by the loving interaction of her children with their father.

Seeing the kids with their dad happily playing or bonding, is an emotional turn on.

In your case, I assume there's no direct observation of your parenting. But rest assured that the children tell your wife when they've had a good time or when they miss you, etc. (But the converse is also true, i.e.' they'll tell her when they did not have a good time).

She's not a robot. Of course that hits her. She may repress it AND OR say "too little too late", or it may not be happening if the kids are seeing you cry or losing your temper and no, I'm not suggesting you are.

I"m merely mentioning that if an LBSer is showing all their pain to the kids, it does 2 negative things;

1) it really does harm the well being of the children and they often take on the responsibility of nurturing their parent, rather than the reverse;

AND

2) it's not at all attractive to the WAS. It can come off as needy/clingy and weak or even manipulative.

For me, one of the biggest reasons I had to let go of my anger, (regardless of how justified it might have been)

was b/c it was interfering with my mothering. I was too preoccupied to be fully present with my kids. My anger and resentment were hurting ME and my kids.

( I have no idea what effect it had on my h but it sure didn't attract him back to me.)

Sometimes all we can say at DB land, is what did NOT work for us, and showing my resentment was futile and hurt me and my kids a lot. That, I know for sure.

When I really began to let go of the anger, and all the score keeping and really turned it over to God (my faith definitely grew and was a tremendous aid to my path)

I also GAL, big time, it helped me detach a lot.

It's mandatory to GAL in order to Detach.

I'd like to hear a lot more about what your GAL is like b/c without it, you won't be able to detach.

and Detachment helps your growth, keeps the focus on you, & helps you stay in your sandbox, and out of hers.

Make sense?

Another question.

My D4 repeatedly asks and phrases questions to me about the M? Do you miss mummy? Do you want to live together?

Does she truly say this out of nowhere, or is it b/c she sees your pain and wants to understand it?



It is getting increasingly difficult to answer "neutrally", and I am getting more and more p***ed off that I can't just tell her "Mummy doesn't want to try. Mummy already has OM".

how have others dealt with this? opinions?

I'd venture to say that most of us faced similar questions. If you're being asked the same question repeatedly then your answer is obviously not sufficing.


My DB coach said that unless I was 100% certain that a divorce was coming and soon, (not a year in advance b/c that is way too long for a child to grasp and it looms over their heads too long as well)

you don't say it.

When my d's would ask if we were going to divorce, I'd say

"I sure hope not, b/c I have loved your dad a long time." Or something similar.

It's a positive true statement, yet not a denial of reality.

ALSO I made a point to reassure them if/when they pressed me on it b/c often their biggest fear is effectively losing a parent.

They need to know that even "if daddy and mommy don't live together anymore, we will share you b/c we both love you so much". They have to know they are Not losing a parent AND that the LBSer will be alright "alone".

IT's way too easy to over rely on our children's love to sustain us. Ends up burdening them at far too young an age. Pretty unfair really.

(IF you are in the mood for a "message" from a song, listen to Kelly Clarkson's "Because of You". It's about her parents divorce and one parent's pain effectively removing that parent from her life, emotionally, for a long time. Don't listen to it if you're already feeling low).


So back to DBing...what are your GAL activities this month? And your 180s?

Any short term goals?

Remember that 180s don't have to be observed by her for you to do them b/c the 180s have 2+ purposes; only one of which directly involves the WAS.

Those 180s are to counter the negatives the WAS has of the LBSer with new or different Positives...for instance,

if one complaint about you happened to be that you are often late,

You'd become MR PUNTUAL, often arriving early for appointments, for instance.

You demonstrate change that makes her 'data" about you invalid, inaccurate or just no longer applicable.

As you go down the list of her justifications for leaving and address the ones you felt were valid,

you greatly lessen her arsenal...

AND the second reason you do the 180s is b/c you want to become the best, most loving, strong Pyrite that you can become.

So how is that ^^^ all going?