You'd think it would be the things you typically associate with M, like companionship, intimacy, etc, etc. But the bulk of those are usually dead for a while before BD.
Instead for us co-dependent types it can be hard to give up on the idea that "they need us" and just don't know it. We meet our emotional needs by them needing us, that's how we feel important, valuable, or whatever. So sometimes detaching is hard because even when they're treating us poorly we're still dependent on them for their dependence on us. And even when they insist they don't want our love anymore we believe they need us to wait for them, for the fairy tale ending.
What's especially tricky is that's not far off the truth. Standing by the M is about being strong enough to give that a chance to happen. But it's also about detaching and ending the cd so that both parties can reestablish boundaries, and that way in the future if R were to occur the M could be redefined. It's just so painful to go through that process. Many new posters are trying to find a way to go to the R without truly separating, and that's why it doesn't work that way very often.
So how do you actually detach? In light of the above, I'm starting to think that detaching occurs when we build an infrastructure to meet our own needs without our WAS. That's why GAL is so important. It gives us chances to meet other people and have other experiences that meet some of our needs.
Little by little you build a new system. I get some needs met from being a dad. From my job. From my friends. From my hobbies. And from posting here. Eventually I realize that most of what I got from an R I can get on my own. And the things I can only get from an M I really wasn't getting from my M anyway...
That's the moment when the scale tips and we ask ourselves what the WAS has to offer us.
But that's the moment we have to remember to act on belief, not emotion, and have faith that if you can change, they can too, and that anything is possible...even having a different M with your WAS that does meet your needs.
How long we stand may vary, but I think it's at least long enough to finalize the D, go through all of the above, give yourself enough time to fully grieve, and have your life change enough that looking at your M is like looking at a high school year book...a totally different period of your life that is gone forever.
The good news is that once you detach it's not as difficult, in fact in many ways it really is easier than during a bad M. So waiting 3 years sounds crazy to a new poster, until you realize years 2 and 3 might be a lot of fun
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
