Maybell XXXV: Almost There

[Maybell]

Kids and I had a great weekend. Lots of friend time. Lots of together time. It was good.

I've been really struggling with my relationship with my parents. I'm not inclined to call them. My mom is kind of a drama queen who brings out the worst in me about STBX. If I tell her good stuff about my life she is barely interested. If I tell her frustrations she gets really engaged and that sends me on a roll because I'd like her to be interested in me. When I ask about her life she complains about everything. EVERYTHING. Even things she enjoys are too much of a good thing. In some ways she reminds me of STBX because she's so very self-focused. I can't think of a time when she expressed pleasure at having done anything to help anyone. Or of a kindness that she did out of sheer selflessness. It's sometimes hard to listen to her talk all the time about the scratch in the new dining table or the color paint she chose. So between that and my own hectic life I don't call regularly. I haven't seen them since last August (for a day when I stayed with my brother). She's pretty annoyed with me for not calling more often. Which is understandable.

So they were planning on stopping through my town on the way to someplace else and the date when they were going to do this is approaching. She never said which dates they'd be here or anything. She was very vague about it all. I have no vacation time to take to spend with them and the kids are at the age that they can't miss school (not to mention how all their grades slipped last term when STBX announced the divorce), and they aren't planning to be here for the weekend because they're passing through on their way from the wedding of a step-niece.

I would be happy to see them but it seems really inconsiderate that I'm not worth a trip for a time when we could actually spend time with them. She hasn't given me actual dates and now she's mad that I haven't said strongly enough "I'd really like you to come." Nor has she said "I really want to see you." So she called tonight and was trying to get me to say "Don't come" so I can be the bad guy, and I wouldn't do it. I would pay for that for years if I did.

The week before STBX moved out I took the kids stayed with them for a week and got a huge lecture about how our visit wasn't any fun because I was so emotional the whole time. They have not asked if I need any help except once, and when I said yes and asked for something specific, they pushed me off. If this were anyone else in my circle I'd just let them drift away. But they're my parents.

I'm nowhere near perfect. I do tend to nurture the relationships that are right in front of me and back burner the ones that are more remote. And I'm not that motivated to nurture an unfulfilling relationship with my parents when I know myself to be disregarded by them. I resent their lack of empathy and compassion. I do not know how to manage this relationship. I resent having to devote time and energy to it when I'm stretched thin, and also when I am motivated to nurture the relationships with the MANY people in my circle who have shown such support and compassion for me. I have friends who've checked in on me every single day to see if I'm ok. People who had no reason to do that except from kindness. It is a huge contrast to the treatment I've gotten from my parents. I know I ought to forgive it, but I'm not sure how to while still protecting the parts of myself that are better served by more distance from them.