Surrendering this battle to win the war.

[Zues126]

I was referring to the post on page one of this thread about abandoning yourself.

As to what you're saying now, you're right that your WAW feels that way. But here's the thing- the same way I told you that you can't "decide" your way out of painful feelings, she can't either.

She can decide that you are the devil. She can decide whatever the heck she wants. But she's going to hurt every bit as much as you from the destruction of her family.

So to your next point, that she's medicating so much with OM she wouldn't feel it if she was playing full contact football against a team comprised of porcupines. While this is true to some point, she's still conflicted.

Maybe a WAW can post more on this, but they have thoughts like "I wish it could've been like this with me and Py", or "Py would've thought that was funny", or "Oh, look what little Johnny did, I wish I could share that with Py", or "This guy's asking me questions about me that I lived with Py, my partner will never know the 'me' I was for so many years of my life". I could go on.

So while they are doing everything they can to blame you for the pain that somehow navigated it's way through their labyrinth of medication...they are STILL truly conflicted.

And though they snap a rubber band on their wrist every time they think of you...they DO think of you.

And though she's watching every step you with an eye out for anything that could twisted into a flaw to rationalize her decision...she IS watching every step you make.

And though she is stubbornly against anything that suggests that maybe destroying her family isn't in her best interest...at some point she may hit ROCK BOTTOM.

Look at all of the people on this site. You. Me. Parker. Miami. Mozza. We all bottomed out, and that prompted us to seek change like we've never changed before.

Who's to say she won't do the same thing if she bottoms out? And as she's still been experiencing those pesky feelings of love for you, those irritating feelings of regret for the life you had, she will once again look at you with fresh eyes. And the things you do between now and then will inspire her of two things. 1) You are a good man, capable of change, capable of making a future R possible, and 2) If you can do it so can she.

Someone has to be the leader here. She can't do it, so I'm afraid you have to.

Now- you're also right about one thing. There's no guarantee she'll follow. Nor should you concern yourself with looking over your shoulder.

But as the leader of your family you have to walk the path and at least give her the opportunity to follow. Sitting in the corner saying "I'm not going to be a leader if she won't follow anyway" is you being just as uncommitted as her. Commitment to the M means doing what you know to be right regardless of what she does.

Best of all...regardless of what she does you'll feel better, stand taller, and be better prepared for your next R. So time to retire from the "mind reading" and "future telling" business, and work on getting your PHD in "DBing presented by 25years".

25- thank you for posting on Py's thread. He's so much like me I think someone must have taken a drop of my blood out of a fossilized mosquito around the time he showed up...:)