WAW Filed for Divorce Next Day Pt. 3 (Bob)

[Bob723]

It sounds like the co-dependent/Mr. nice guy thing we see so often around here.

I'm not diagnosing you, there are balances between caring for your partner and being a co-dependent "nice guy". But the idea of putting her needs first and growing resentful, hidden agendas and controlling behavior, trying to dismiss your emotions to win your W back during BD1 but then getting angry that they weren't heard and having it boil out of you...all looks very familiar.

Glad you're working with IC, and glad you're standing by your M. I wonder where you'll be in 6 months. As you get stronger I really wonder how you'll feel about your W. I can't speak for you, but I can speak for me. It would take a heck of a lot for my W to make me feel safe partnering up with her again...and let it be known if I was ever able to open my heart to her again and she made the same decision, well, I would consider her permanently off the table unless God spoke to me personally. BUT- I know it's easier for me to say when I'm not in your shoes, just like the friends/family that tell the WAS's to just cut bait.

Hello Zues,

Wow, you hit the nail right on the head! I know you are not diagnosing me, but guess what? That's exactly what my IC feels: the co-dependent/Mr. nice guy thing. I now realizw we had a co-dependent realtionship. Maybe not in the beginning years, but as my W's MS got worse. At times, I took her need for autonomy as a sign I wasn't doing a good enough job of caring for her. How dumb of me!

I am not bashing my W here, but my IC also thinks I'll come to the realization that I'll be better off without her. I have been going to him weekly for 6 months now, and have been as honest as I can be about my part in this.

You know what he thinks? "I'm not the only one my W should be blaming in this relationship. She's excessively nagging, selfish, holds grudges and keeps score forever - none one of those attributes are helpful in a marriage. Nor is bad mouthing you to your kids."

I put that in quotes because that is exactly what he said. I actually wrote it down just to give myself a different perspective on our sitch.

Interesting, huh? Zues, I think you'd make an excellent therapist.

Almost everyone I know thinks I should give up on her. I'm still not ready to. I feel she resents me, not only for my bad actions, but also because she had to depend on me so much at times. It's a fairly common thing I've learned with folks who have a chronic illness as my W does...to eventually resent their "caretaker."

I'm trying to be as patient as I humanly can be with her. I understand why she feels the way she does. The D was my "Ah ha moment." I do think I'm like you..."It would take a heck of a lot for my W to make me feel safe partnering up with her again."

Thanks Z - you ROCK!

Bob