"Solution based" in another theme to search for, otherwise it's often a rehash of the past.
For us, it usually lead to yet another argument and or the belief that we really could not stay married and be happy.
IMO, seeing a pro-marriage counselor should mean that you work on yourself and stay inside your own sandbox, (and out of your wife's sandbox). Boundaries are huge and they seem to be an issue for you.
Your wife won't be in the office with you and your counselor, so there is no point in putting the focus on her or her behavior or what you perceive as her thoughts/emotions, etc. It gets to be all about you (and the kids).
As for "confrontation", I think the point is that you are someone who may want a kid gloves approach from a counselor, or the defensiveness in you will rear up. The need to be declared "right" is sort of a deadly disease in us, that we have to defeat.
And imo, the challenging type of IC is what you actually would benefit the most from. That is certainly not confrontation for confrontation's sake. The priest who married my h and me didn't say a whole lot of insightful or memorable things but one remark does stand out.
"It's not the number of conflicts that determines the health of a marriage -b/c life throws more curve balls to some couples. It's HOW those conflicts get resolved that counts."
It'll be great to have an IC who can get you to stay on your path of self improvement and personal growth, and to keep you on it.
Have you considered hiring a DB coach for at least a few sessions?
My DB coach was a real Godsend. Something she told me that only sank in much later, was this:
No WAS returns to a marriage they left, unless they believe that marriage can be better/different than before.
And It's up to the LBSer to demonstrate that^^^, with our own changes.
What do you think your wife has seen and heard from you, consistently, and with sufficient time?
Here's the "math" of it.
Consistent change + sufficient time = change they can believe in.
Good luck!
great advice. A DB coaching session. I had all but dismissed this. If I was in the States this would've happened already. But the time difference makes things awkward.
actually I want the opposite to "kid gloves". I suggested "challenging". it was MrBond who brought up confrontational. I need someone to "steer" me. I tend to lead, especially when handed the reigns.
"No WAS returns to a marriage they left, unless they believe that marriage can be better/different than before.
And It's up to the LBSer to demonstrate that^^^, with our own changes."
I have an issue with this. It comes up repeatedly in posts/responses. Sort of in DR, but bette qualified I guess. The WAS (or at least mine) is busy enjoying her new life. She doesn't give a damn about what I am doing. She doesn't spend her time thinking, "Gee - if only I could believe in a change I would go back to him or give him a chance". She has moved on.
I concede that possibly she is conflicted, but all around her, and her own gut, is telling her to detach (which is easier for her I wager already having OM). move on with what she has now. forget the past. it was toxic she tells herself. "I am never going back there. I am never going to be sorry for what I have done. I had to. And I did nothing wrong. I followed my heart."
My trying to control her, WRT craving acceptance from her in the M was farcical, wrong, destructive, etc. Me believing for a second now that I can influence the situation is delusional. She has to look. ALL I can do is be the right person that she sees. BUT she has to look. and that has nothing to do with me, and that is heavily, heavily weighted against me.
Of course I DO want reassurance from these posts that "there is chance" (and the like). But I dont realistically expect it, nor would I believe it. Well, this is my biggest issue presently, I would believe it. My head would be skeptical, and even dismissive, but my heart would find a way to twist rationale in such a way that "you know what - it doesn't seem so far fetched", that she would have thoughts of "looking" occasionally. BUT she is fighting these feelings, as I am fighting mine, and she is in a stronger place.
M: 6 T: 12 Kids: 2,4 BD: Jan 2015 S: Feb 2015 EA/PA confirmed: Feb2015/Mar2015
