WAW Filed for Divorce Next Day Pt. 3 (Bob)

[Zues126]

I'll chip in $5 if y'all want to chip in and hook Cadet up. Least we can do

Thanks for posting that Bob. It's important to keep making progress.

I noticed most of those things are very specific in terms of interacting with W. Which isn't bad. I just wonder how you work on them on your own. Maybe you work it backwards to figure out what YOU got out of smothering her, etc.

It sounds like the co-dependent/Mr. nice guy thing we see so often around here. I'm not diagnosing you, there are balances between caring for your partner and being a co-dependent "nice guy". But the idea of putting her needs first and growing resentful, hidden agendas and controlling behavior, trying to dismiss your emotions to win your W back during BD1 but then getting angry that they weren't heard and having it boil out of you...all looks very familiar.

Glad you're working with IC, and glad you're standing by your M. I wonder where you'll be in 6 months. As you get stronger I really wonder how you'll feel about your W. I can't speak for you, but I can speak for me. It would take a heck of a lot for my W to make me feel safe partnering up with her again...and let it be known if I was ever able to open my heart to her again and she made the same decision, well, I would consider her permanently off the table unless God spoke to me personally. BUT- I know it's easier for me to say when I'm not in your shoes, just like the friends/family that tell the WAS's to just cut bait.

What I will predict, however, is that you will start really wrestling with this in the months ahead, especially as your self esteem comes up, you learn to be more direct about your needs and realize she wasn't meeting them, the co-dependency has died, and you see her for who she really is. Not saying you won't be open to R, just that it might not be your primary mission. Anyway, I realize I just posted these thoughts on my thread and it's influencing me quite a bit here.

So keep charging, and anything you can do to gradually shift those goals from her to you would be great. It will do you more good if she never looks back, and it might do you more good because the changes will be genuine, and not just more of putting what you think she wants in front of what you want!