Whoa, I'm not suffering much anymore! Now what?!?

[Zues126]

Thanks guys. You know, I'm ok. I think all the DBing is making me surprisingly more confident. Like the 'two wolves' parable says, I've been feeding the right wolf lately. So when I have doubts about who I am and what I bring, it's easier to laugh at those doubts because I'm very proud of what I've been doing. Working on myself, working on R skills, being committed to making my M with my spouse #1, and demonstrating the character needed to stand for my M through what could only be the "for worse".

When I was medicating with porn, exhibiting destructive behavior that diminished my partner and left her unfulfilled, was completely out of balance with my job and hobbies, and was a distant father...well, those thoughts hurt me much more. Now I'm like 'meh, I may not be the life of the party, but I'll make some girl's day.' So while I'm not the guy that will be in the middle of a group of women at the dance floor, I will be strong enough to be a leader in my household and strong enough for my future W to feel safe and protected.

After realizing that it made me motivated to do even more. No, you can't fill a bottomless hole with achievement, been there and got the shirt. But when you take healthy steps it does make you feel better. I'm a big believer in the power of goals, so I did something I've been meaning to for a while. I wrote out a list of the goals I want to accomplish. It's not an A+ (not all are specific, measurable, or have a finish date, etc.) but it was a step. Sometimes the first step is the hardest. So here they are:

1. Pray. Be appreciative for what I have every day.
2. Be an awesome dad (I told you they were too vague).
3. Kick ass at work.
4. Exercise 3+ times weekly. I'm about 20 pounds off.
5. Get organized. My STBX handled the finances and kept the place up. I haven't developed the best habits yet, and I still have stuff in my room to unpack/store from 12/1. Once I got the kids room and living room set I lost my momentum. I want to turn this place into a man lair, and while I am in no danger of another woman seeing the inside of my bedroom, I'd like it to represent me well (the way you might wear nice underwear even when you don't intend to show them off).
6. Stay on top of my pool game so I don't backslide from what I worked so hard for.
7. KEEP GROWING.

So today I exercised, I got a hair cut, went grocery shopping for the kids when they come tomorrow and this weekend, did my laundry, and I will be knocking out a few hours of work for my job this evening so I am a step ahead on the week. I also cleaned the kitchen, got rid of some old boxes that I didn't need, etc. Oh, I also got a massage. Just a touch of self care as a reward for a productive day off.

Last rambling topic for the post, this forum has wet my thirst to meet someone new. As you all can see this last month I've been on a bit of a posting binge. I think it's because some of you have said some nice things to me, and it has met some of my emotional needs because that makes me feel liked, valuable, understood, etc. It has made me realize how nice those things are, and I do look forward to the day that I can have more of those things with one special person.

But then I see that I'm still a ways out. Obviously I'm married, but even after that changes...I am still a bit jaded. I feel like if a woman expressed interest I would feel the need to put her in a police interrogation room with bright lights and trying to see if she would break:

"Which of your friends have gotten divorced? Did you feel it was justified? Why or why not? How did your last R end? Did you leave or did he? Have you ever cheated on your partner? What do you feel are appropriate boundaries between you and members of the opposite sex? If you feel stuck in a M and like you'll never be happy if you don't leave, how would you handle that? What examples can you cite from your personal life to back that up?"

I wish DB coaches had a dating service. If someone worked with a DB coach for 2 years and the M couldn't be saved, they would compare notes and make recommendations. At least then I'd feel like I was fishing in the right pond. But again, all of this will change, that's why I'm glad I have time.

And of course, while the thought of trying to piece my M back together if STBX ever opened that door is truly scary at this point (ALL I can see are problems and broken parts), I believe that those feelings could change and anything's possible. I am not rooting for that at this point because I can't really imaging feeling safe or cared for with her...but then again she said the same thing and I'm a different man, so who the heck knows, maybe she'll have a change of heart AND become a woman I believe would be able to answer the above questions in a way that would work for me. POINT IS, even though it seems impossible and undesirable, continue to stand I will.

Z out!