Surrendering this battle to win the war.

[25yearsmlc]

cool. It was the pro-M part I was looking for. I dont want confrontational, just someone who suggests other ways of thinking bout an issue OR highlights when my way of thinking about something is ....questionable. Someone who is MORE ready to be on the front foot than just passively listening. I'm not saying that this is ALL she does either. Just weighing up.

Thanks for the advice.

"Solution based" in another theme to search for, otherwise it's often a rehash of the past.

For us, it usually lead to yet another argument and or the belief that we really could not stay married and be happy.

IMO, seeing a pro-marriage counselor should mean that you work on yourself and stay inside your own sandbox, (and out of your wife's sandbox). Boundaries are huge and they seem to be an issue for you.

Your wife won't be in the office with you and your counselor, so there is no point in putting the focus on her or her behavior or what you perceive as her thoughts/emotions, etc. It gets to be all about you (and the kids).

As for "confrontation", I think the point is that you are someone who may want a kid gloves approach from a counselor, or the defensiveness in you will rear up. The need to be declared "right" is sort of a deadly disease in us, that we have to defeat.

And imo, the challenging type of IC is what you actually would benefit the most from. That is certainly not confrontation for confrontation's sake. The priest who married my h and me didn't say a whole lot of insightful or memorable things but one remark does stand out.

"It's not the number of conflicts that determines the health of a marriage -b/c life throws more curve balls to some couples. It's HOW those conflicts get resolved that counts."

It'll be great to have an IC who can get you to stay on your path of self improvement and personal growth, and to keep you on it.

Have you considered hiring a DB coach for at least a few sessions?

My DB coach was a real Godsend. Something she told me that only sank in much later, was this:

No WAS returns to a marriage they left, unless they believe that marriage can be better/different than before.

And It's up to the LBSer to demonstrate that^^^, with our own changes.

What do you think your wife has seen and heard from you, consistently, and with sufficient time?

Here's the "math" of it.


Consistent change + sufficient time = change they can believe in.

Good luck!