It's a nightmare. Wake me up 2

[25yearsmlc]

Dear friends,
I am always thankful for your replies, because it helps me to keep me on track in those difficult times. So I explain my sitch and maybe I am going into wrong directions?

I have no problems with the idea, to be divorced from W. If there were no kids involved, I would wave goodbye and start a new life. She is no longer the W I have been married to for nearly 20yrs. And I have been honest with her about that. I have told her, that I am not in love with her right now. And she said she can understand that.

I'm pretty sure I'm not the only person to say, you are saying way too much to her.
Those comments about how you are "not in love" with her, are said for what purpose?

What is the GOAL of those remarks? If you cannot clearly define the goal AND how your comments advance your position toward that goal, then stop making those remarks.



Right now it is about this family. If she feels the need to tear this family into two pieces, than she should take ALL the responsibility for this move.

First off, she does not believe SHE is "tearing the into two" pieces. You think that.
She clearly has been in a lot of pain and did not make this decision lightly or quickly, regardless of how it seems to you.

Secondly, Only a few days ago, you agreed that you played a significant role in how you two got here. You said you'd keep the focus on your own path and growth towards self improvement.

So you are revising things again, (just as she may be doing when she says it was "all or mostly all bad".)

And you are again into "assigning blame", which is not helpful. I must stress the importance of something my DB Coach told me, which was to "Lose the scorecard, because keeping score does Not ever help marriages"...ever.


I want to be able to tell my kids in the future, that I did not support the end of the family as they knew it.


You think they don't know that already? And to what end would your words be? Again you are trying to be declared "right", and to make your wife wrong.

My point here is not to make you wrong but to show you that your efforts are misdirected and fruitless. There is no such thing as being "the winner" in this. So stop assigning blame. Assigning blame does not help anyone and If anything, it just slows or prevents your growth and YOUR own happiness.


Am I stubborn? I am thinking about your assumption, but it does not feel this way for me. I just do not want her to be able to say: "Your Dad agreed on the divorce. That is the way adults deal with it."

1) hard to believe she'd say that; and 2) that they would believe it;

and 3) that it makes any difference what you say now.

My question for you is, what is your plan to prevent it? You have NO control over what she tells them.

You DO control how they see YOUR behavior, however. So why not focus on that?


I am convinced, that it is wrong to end this family without trying everything. I do not want to give her any support for an idea, that is against my conviction.


Yes, we know that and you know that and she knows that. What's the point of belaboring this? You need to see a lawyer to know your rights and figure out a game plan for the LEGAL side of this.

And you need to keep your own path of self improvement going.

We know this isn't easy. It's darn difficult. But in a lot of ways, it's also not that complicated.

Back to YOU...



Another point is: She does not share anything about her life.

So you can share less of yours. You cannot control what she says or discloses. Just what you share and disclose.

Again I say, BACK TO YOU...
-- Nothing. Just vague stuff. So I have no idea what she is thinking or doing right now. I do not trust her.


No one said to trust her. But what is it you must "know"? Why so much focus on HER and HER Plans and thoughts?? Sense a pattern? You keep steering off of your own path and onto hers. Get out of her sandbox.

Stay in your sandbox and do YOUR work.

She says she wants a divorce. That's pretty much the only thing you need to know from her, along with the legal information that only seeing a lawyer for yourself, can provide.


Well, those are my thoughts. Let me know, what you think about it. Maybe I am heading for the wrong direction.