Zelda, i am so sorry that you are hurting. detaching from my wife has been the hardest thing I've ever done...and it nothing is even close. I find my brain lying to me constantly. It is sad, disappointing, frustrating...so many other feeling I cannot express. I have been cognizant of the trickery my own mind is trting and really have been trying to head things off. I am in a fight for my own life, free to be myself to love myself and to let others be who they are. I also want to feel love from the woman I desire more than anyone I've ever met...and to feel desired by her. My brain will not Accept that she does not have those same feelings for me that she once had, rather will not accept that I can't do anything to change that fact. In my young life, I have quit smoking, looking at porn, walked away from a friendship in college that was destructive to me (felt I was falling in love with her even tho she was crazy...chose my future bride over her even tho she was hundreds of miles and a couple of years away) as well as a couple of other destructive behaviors and these choices were non-issues, no second thoughts, no regrets.
I am not sure what is actually going on in our spouses heads, but this is hard and it takes time to break free. It takes lots of focus and patience and work. I know that my marriage will never work with how I interact with my wife right now. I know that I can never be truly happy with this situation. I have sought professional help with this codependency / enmeshment struggle. And of course I have found support with this here from you and ao any of these amazing people here.
From my IC, that the first step is realizing what the issue is that is really causing us harm and Then actually wanting to change it. From there it is work and work and more work. I am with Moz on this one...maybe seek out a professional councillor. I know you've said you've seen ic before...I had to drop my old one because she was really clueless about what I needed for help. The new one has been way more helpful in just two visits.
