I guess what I am having trouble with is how easy it all seems for her to move on....especially given what we went through together. Do vows and promises and dreams and goals not mean anything anymore?? Does, "He stood by me through all of this I can't leave him." ever come into a woman's mind? She KNOWs I wasn't going anywhere.
I won't say all WW's don't think about the vows, promises, and dreams made with their S. Honestly, when I was deep in the fog/affair, I do not recall thinking about my vows at all. It's terribly embarrassing to admit, but that was the state of mind I had at the time. The emotions and feelings of the WW are in charge, which means, she is not going to fairly and realistically sort through all those promises and dreams and recall how her H stood by her. Even if she did, it would not change her mind. No matter how good a person he may be, he still comes out on the losing end.....in her frame of mind. She is a mess. She clings to a fantasy, and her emotions tell her she deserves to have happiness, and unfortunately, she believes this is the only way.
It is about timing, and about the difference in men and women in their relationships. In most cases, the woman tries to tell her H how she feels and what she wants in the MR. Time goes marching by and her emotional needs are not met, so little by little she begins to shut down to him. For whatever reason, he fails to realize what is really happening, and some men don't have a clue there's a problem. Many say the W never told them in a way that got their attention. Really sad! By the time she feels completely done and tells him it's over, he is ready to start working. Their timing is completely off.
In many, many cases, the W associates all her unhappiness/emotional pain to her H. She feels the only escape from the unhappiness is to get out of the M. Some just don't know how to resolve the problems, so they jump ship.
It may take a couple of years, or longer, to get back together. That does not mean we are saying you should wait for her. I think you have to make that decision for yourself.
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And again....I know what you and some others have said that if I am learning I should remain here but I just feel like....like people read the story and see that I am recently divorced and think....ok well that one is done and move on to the next person that is still on the brink. (I am not trying to be mean....to anyone....just thinking out loud in type)
You must get over this type of thinking here. That is not how we see you. The fact you are D has little to do with how much others may post. Weekends are always slow on the board. When you don't post, the replies usually slow down. And sometimes, if you don't have questions, updates, or something........we may not always know what to say next. Just don't think we've moved on to somebody who isn't D.
As Cadet told you, this is the grieving period. The only way to get through it is to feel the grief, mourn over your loss, and give it suffient time. Healing takes time. If you want encouragement to hope for a future with her, then okay, but you still need to get through this process. I believe it's important not to become obsessed with getting her back, like some have done. Neither make any radical decisions to find another romance right away. I wish there was an easier way around it, but if there is, I don't about it.
It is important to have support during this time. Don't spend too much time alone. Attempt to stay busy, GAL, be involved in something. Another way that can have a healing effect is to reach out to others who could use a helping hand. Maybe some elderly neighbors, shut-ins, run errands, volunteer in some program, and things of that nature. It is a matter of making yourself just "do it", and then one day you realize you are the one who is being helped.
((hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
