6 months since xh's admitted regrets and wants back
3 months since he went awol again
and 18 threads later.....
Where the heck am I?
Well... It's been an interesting road, to say the least.
I have a new life. Not really sure what it truly looks like... or where its headed, but, its mine.
I have accepted that I am going it alone this part of the journey. With my kids by my side... yet watching them grown into their own, more independent lives too.
I realize I have a long way to go. I think I've made it through the toughest part..... um.... maybe???? Hopefully?!
There are still some seriously painful moments, but moments of happiness are taking hold. There is a lot out there for me to enjoy and to learn and to experience.
I am a different person. Yet, the core me is still intact. There are some things I know I don't like very much about myself, and I'm working on that. Yet, there are some things I do like about myself.
I am still hard on myself. That keeps me awake at night. I will try to cut myself some more slack... and if I don't I know uR will smack me back out of my momentary lapses. No more, "BUTS" er... try not to...
My heart still breaks for xh. I still wonder about how truly happy he is. Then I have moments where I see clarity and some reality of this debacle of a situation. I mean, as best as one could, I guess. I understand what I understand, and that's that you can't truly understand outside of what we know as general truths. That may make no sense... but... that's my crazy mind.
I see him trying the same thing over and over again. It's not working for him, yet he does not step outside of that to try something different. I mean with my kids, that is. Yet, I think it's pretty true in all areas of his life. I wonder how long he will bang his head against the wall thinking that things will change.
These are passing thoughts. I know the best thing I've done in all of this is not to interfere. After bd and I found this site... like a month after- I stepped out and away. I tried to maintain friendly r w him. After nuke- I stepped totally out of it. I figured he could figure things out on his own. Plus, then, lots of things made sense. Like the r with the kids- it was her control and he allowed it.
OK... I won't digress...
But, again, I have stepped out of it. It has been, by far, the best thing I've done. He needs to grown on his own. He still isn't getting that opportunity. He may never. But I love and respect him enough to not be the one hindering that from him.
And I respect myself enough to know that I wouldn't want to keep a man who doesn't want to be kept.
I know I don't want drama in my life.
New doors are slowly opening for me. That's the exciting part.
Although xh put me on this path. And as much as I didn't want it. As difficult it was for me to accept it, I realize now... I have to take it. And I am free on it. He is trapped and stuck. I can do whatever I want with the rest of my life.
