The Forester and I decided this week that it was too hard to continue communicate long distance. We both would have these stressful days and want to connect at the end and...well, he's in Ohio and I'm here. I actually tried to stop communicating for a bit and he reached out to me. Started it all up again. After one particularly hard day, we were teasing back and forth and, for my part, just longed to have someone to fall into at the end. He was the first to say, "I kinda hate this."
So...I just need to find another...not now...but, sometime...another young, virale, nice man who is passionate about farming and has a great sense of humor and reads Thoreau. That should be easy, right?
It sorta set off a wave of grief. But...the wave of grief...(not angry in the least with him)...but, can't help, with my history, to feel some rejection...even though it was actually sorta flattering. He hated he couldn't be with me...That's nice.
I find myself crying for no reason. A lot of it is just stress. But, I do feel a loss. He's a pretty interesting, special guy.
But, I've had these dreams...I had one last night where I screamed and raged at my mother. Just raged bloody murder. All the anger I've been feeling daily...at all of it...I felt it in this dream. I woke up with some clarity about where it comes from...People choosing NOT to be there for me. Often, choosing to be somewhere that seems more fun, with someone else...Me left holding the responsibilities and figuring I will be treated fairly for all I invest in others...But, ending up with no one to count on, just me.
Now, I know this is because of a belief system which I can alter, with some work. But, I'm not sure I ever felt the anger portion.
Spent a lifetime feeling tons of depression and sadness...Remember all the Woe is Me days on these boards???
Well, now, Heather is finally feeling the anger. And, it is all-consuming. Especially without any AD's. Taking some St. John's Wort, Vit. D...drinking Chamomile Tea.
But, this is built-up anger from decades past.
Spoke to my mother this week. She did her thing again..."So, how's the paper? How's the divorce? How's D12?" Never any offer, at least one with follow-thru to help...It may be best for me to just avoid her for now.
I received the itemized bill from the atty again...he clearly is holding my W2 hostage and refusing to show me the divorce settlement proposal until I pay. I've had some other feedback on this and that's not ok. Feeling less badly about calling him "The world's suckiest atty." --seriously...$11k??? For what?
Anyway...I told him I would be happy to arrange a payment plan and he could take automatic payments...but, I'm not putting us in any financial hardship to pay this man back. I think 15 years of poverty is enough. Even if I pay $25 for the next 50 years...that's what I'll do. Wow. I feel the anger as I write this.
I will call to make another counseling appt. tomorrow.
-Angry that I'm paying $11K for an attorney who really only got me close to what the judge woulda given without any legal representation...I'm angry with how unfair this all is. And, I know there are women who have gotten much, much worse...but, that doesn't make it ok. I think until I DO something about this...even if it's write an article about how to handle a situation similar to mine when the other party lashes back and costs legal fees..IDK...pisses me off so much...
I think it all comes back to the abandonment. Over and over, trusting people who don't have my back and take advantage. And, leave me to handle the mess. Yep. I think that's it.
D20 did it too. Promised to help for one year. Bailed. I'm proud of her though. She has been offered a promotion to supervisor at one of her jobs.
And, this is from childhood. I have some deep trenching to do on this subject. I'm not sure I'm able to ever choose someone who will NOT do this.
Need to redefine my beliefs, attract a better bunch of peeps. Maybe work harder at trusting and supporting myself to handle more?? Was thinking how different I am than I was even 6 months ago.
When I speak to Smokey...he seems so childish and almost silly in his adolescence.
Ok. Blessings.
The little girl is over now playing with D12. She is a bit of a nuisance, but D12 can handle her for a couple of hours. She showed up last night after a long day and we had just gotten home. She told D12 that her parents told her to find somewhere to spend the night because they wanted to be alone.
I asked the little girl to clarify the home situation. She said that the woman she calls "Mom" is really her father's pregnant girlfriend. I asked the little girl where her mother lives and she said OK. I said, "That must be hard. You are very brave."
She said, "Nope. My mom doesn't really talk to us. It's no big deal." And, I get the impression, this little girl of 10 has written off her mother...sorta how my girls have just shut down their father. He's gone.
Again, what are we doing to our kids?? And, what sorta of backlash will all of this have on society when these kids grow up?
Anyway...
Had an interview with a man who has ALS yesterday. He and his wife have been married 42 years. They are facing...??? While his situation is better than most with ALS, he has lost his ability to walk and nearly can't use his arms...all in the past 2 years. He reminded me of Matt in his love of the outdoors and desire to be outside and sorta soft/sensitive insides...before the drugs and denial. The couple met in high school. Heavy stuff. Made me look at my situation a bit differently. Paying $11k for a divorce doesn't seem like the worst thing in the world.
Still...grappling with the anger. Such anger. And, I need to see someone regularly to deal with it. How to pay for it?? I don't know. I've been working on a budget this week...
Met with the company that manages this property. The one woman went through a difficult divorce. She's from NYC and very blunt, awesome and doesn't hold back. She didn't offer to lower the rent...which continues to frustrate me. I've still been looking for something more affordable and I'm seeing many places with more to offer and less rent...I'm paying $1250 + I pay all utilities and have to handle plowing and the lawn.
And, yes, I'm putting an ad on Craigslist today.
The rental management company ladies gave me all sorts of suggestions from asking the state for help in rent to suggestions about my divorce situation/tax situation. The woman there suggested I go ahead and file. I can use a copy of the W2. She also suggested I make it clear to Matt, AGAIN, to send me directly the divorce settl. proposal... Bottom Line: The rental company was supportive. And, that was nice.
A woman in the town I cover offered us a really disgusting store front for a rental. She would pay all utilities and give us a low rent. I'm not sure I'm able to take this favor...for one thing, there's no bedrooms and it smells. It's next door to my office and she agreed to allow us to do whatever to it to make it live-able...IDK. It kinda looks like a fire trap. There's no oven either. I'm handy and all...but...Man, the low rent would be so cool though and D12 would be right next door. ??
VERY nice to have someone make the offer. Again, didn't feel so alone.
The ALS man and his wife. IDK. When you go through this level of crud in life, I find I'm able to connect with others who have similar sucky experiences?? Make sense. I'm learning that I don't really like connecting with people who haven't been through something...HONESTLY...That's the key. My niece recently tried to kill herself, but when I talk to my sister...she's all..."It's fine. I'm fine. We're all fine." But, I know they aren't fine. Otherwise, this wouldn't have happened. I like people who face life's troubles honestly.
I feel blessed that I understood poverty and could offer some support to this man and his wife. I feel blessed that I made some friends.
Found a tutor in the town where I work for D12. She is a special needs teacher at the local school. She is adorable, young and perfect for D12. AND...she gets Asperger's and already knows some kid D12's age to hook her up with :-) Blessing!!
I had a house fire to cover for the newspaper. I also had a Lions meeting I was invited to attend. It was the same day, afternoon actually, that the Forester and I decided to stop whatever it was we had. I was low and moving slow. I was late to the Lions. Had NO idea they planned to have me their guest of honor. :-)
They waited for me. They treated me like a celebrity and invited me to join.
People really like me there. Blessing.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
