Complex #7 - the green(-card) mile

[Complex]

Thanks for your kind words toots.
After sleeping over it I still feel pretty rattled. And my opinion didn't really change.
I think I have reached a point where I have to give up and move on. W made herself very clear and she also showed me a lot of disrespect and that she has not even learned a little bit. She is calling me creepy, maybe I was I don't know, I tried to make peace and gave it a few attempts in a very calm way but she is still such a nasty fighter even tho I begged her to not do it this way and I genuinely asked her to stop the fighting and rod her what I want from her so we can have peace. It wasn't difficult. She refused.
In the end it is just showing me how much I do NOT want to be with her this way. She is not the person anymore that I used to know.
But the funny part is: she a) thinks she is perfectly happy (although she lost friends and family is mad at her b) she thinks she is still the exact person that she used to be.
I don't know what to say.

Ok. Enough ranting for this morning. I want to start this day right and be positive.
But what happened yesterday was kind of the last nail in the coffin for me. It might sound harsh, but I don't think I can do this anymore personally and I will give in so I can move on with my life.
It really hit me again thanks for your support

[Complex]

Had some more talking with W.
I mentioned that to me we do not have ground for divorce but I'll respect her decisions. She replied:
"I do not agree with your opinion. There is a ground for divorce: I do not want to be married anymore. I don't love you that way, that is enough ground for divorce. It might sound harsh but it is the truth".
Lol.
I just replied "This might not comply with the moral and value system what marriage actually means but I'll respect what you are thinking. It your opinion, everyone is allowed to have one, but opinions are just opinions. There is an established moral and value system and no opinion can change the truth about that". Or something like that I told her.

It's defensive and a little passive aggressive but at this point I don't care. I speak the truth. That's what matters to me and I am not going to let anyone take those values away from me or anyone else.


I basically told her I'll work with her once my greencard is here and we can settle outside of court. I suggested mediation but she got mad and asked why am I insisting on mediator. She wants to look into paralegal advice first. Lol again. She is just reacting to me even tho I made her an extremely positive suggestion that will totally cater her need to get this done and get it done in a friendly way. Why does she still resist? So immature and ridiculous.

I will sleep over all of this for a few days but I really think I'm ready to just give in. Because I do not want to be with her anymore. Married or not married.

But for sure I will ask for what I deserve. Which means 50% of whatever was squired during the marriage and alimony for a year. I made less money than her bc I joined a business venture with great future potential but not as good of a pay from the start.
Is there anyone who has advice for the process? Also should I open up my own credit card to be able to build credit or can I take over credit from the martial account?
Legal separation with everything negotiated and done like a D is an option too if that helps us financially..taxes etc.

[twinmom]

I think you're stretching with regards to alimony. Let's face facts, you were NOT putting forth the effort to advance your career. Slightly playing devil's advocate....... Why should she support you?
You started dating but then go off and have a conversation with her about the morals and values of marriage?

Dude.... I think you need to take a deep breath, evaluate you and keep working on you.

[Complex]

I don't think it's fair to judge me. I was committed to my marriage, but I am not anymore because it does not exist anymore at all, but I am willing to recommit if the will is there. I was talking about how our marriage came to an end in the first place. That was what will bug me forever, but now it is over, since a long time actually, and W is making this more than clear. And she is fairly aware of her decision and it seems absolutely final.
I did put effort in my career. Let's not forget I had to build it from scratch and I was not given any time to advance, some W dropped the bomb on me just a few months after I started my career. Since then I did a lot to advance it, doubled my income.
I still don't make enough to be really safe. I'm basically alone here and if anything happens I do not have a safety net here and would have to go back to Germany.
So I will need some support.i took the job and went to school in the believe that I will have a long lasting marriage and even talked about this with W and she offered her support because it was such s great career chance.
Since after BD it took me a few months to get my [censored] together because I was so devastated. It hurt the timeline of my career. But since a couple months I am truly moving forward and made a lot of progress.

So please think twice before you judge. It's not black and white.

[Complex]

One of the biggest questions also is: when is it ok to give up?

I am/was very serious about my vows, made a lot of mistakes too. But when is it ok to throw the towel? I mean I am still young. Only M for 2.5 years. No children. Definitely easier to do a fresh start, move on and hopefully be better prepared for a future relationship.

[twinmom]

Not judging..... Not at all.

In respect to your career I was referencing your past posts about your wife not feeling as though you were "driven" or focusing on your career. I believe you admitted she had some credibility in this complaint. I'm not talking about after she said she wanted a divorce.

I'm not saying you had everything handed to you, or wouldn't "need" things. All I am saying is think about what you're asking for.

As far as dating..... Yep your marriage is over. But DANG did that conversation come across as self riotous the way you typed it. (And yes if my I would ask to go to therapy with me to divorce without kids I would be creeped out by that)

[Complex]

I understand.

Perceptions are so different between WAW and me. I don't know why I think a breakup from a marriage should be any different psychologically than any other breakup. I just feel like it should be, bc of the much greater responsibility a M brings. But maybe I am wrong. For her it's just a breakup. It doesn't even seem like the M ever really meant something bigger for her. I don't know

[DaddyLongShanks]

Sounds like W still thinks I was a mistake tho. Something tells me I could win her back if I'd make more 180s etc. but right now, I just want to be who I am. Not change myself. Bc I'm good the way I am. And that's the only way I want to be loved. That's what I deserve. And by no means I want to be plan B. Period.

Win what?

[Starsky309]

How am I dealing with my feelings now?
Me and pretty much EVERYONE thinks she is a complete idiot to divorce me.
I'm so beyond catering her in any way. I'm mad. I want to forgive her, and I will. But what a fool she is.
There's no deep communication between me and her. Do you guys think it would be ok to have some sort of a talk with her?

And without even waiting for any reply or advice, you plunge ahead and have this convo something like what, ONE HOUR later? (your post recounting the whole convo was two hours later, so I'm estimating).

Still leading with your emotions, Complex. In almost every area. How's that working for you?


Starsky

[Complex]

It's not working well at all.

I basically built up emotions and vented.
But it's ok. It didn't change anything and the convo gave me a better chance to move on. So I'll take as much of a pragmatic approach as I can from here on.
But I basically started to give up any little bit of hope that was left, because I think only a clear cut can make me truly heal and move on ..

I know I am not an "easy patient" on this site here ^^