Surrendering this battle to win the war.

[Pyrite]

What I keep asking myself is this, which one will bring my M back? I know we need to detach and don't care but the reality is I have this at the forefront of my mind everyday.

Same. everyday. but i think it gets less, or you get used to it.

Days are good where I think I have accepted a future without H, but then I know that is not the case as it hurts to think of this. I guess real acceptance comes when we no longer care or hurt.

I am cautious of this. "No longer care or hurt" both seem a bit harsh. but I think I know what you mean.

What I am coming to terms with is more of the same really, a with detachment in general. for me anyway. As i have said before, I didn't want to detach. I pretended I did, but I didn't want to push my W away from the forefront of my mind. Then I had a real rough experience and I HAD to.

I was really surprised how well it worked. the fake til you make it scenario. AND my worst fear turned out to be TOTALLY wrong. I didn't lose feelings for my W, they became clearer.

SO - I think this "jumping" issue or the door issue as I discussed above is likely to be the same. I mean, i think that because I have already felt that. Not totally, but it is sinking in. I am coming to terms with the fact that in all likelihood SHE is not coming back. I can see/feel/accept this without denying what I need to do.

So it is more like an affirmation that what I am doing is for ME. It is not to win her back. I am not saying that I dont want her back. I AM also acknowledging that the best chance I have of winning her back is to do this, DBing, self-growth, etc.

To come full circle then, the best chance I have at self-growth, and so the best chance I have at winning her back, is to JUMP. BUT JUMPing I mean cutting "saving the M" out of the equation. It makes no sense I know. But I feel that this is holding me back.

Everything that makes me feel bad, after peeling off so many layers already, the recurring one is this. And I might add, that once it starts, once one layer gets you down - layers being layers of the detachment onion - they all come back. And s**t you thought you were over all of a sudden is a nightmare again.