I'm gonna tell him that it's not what I had hoped but I understand him and that I love him enough to let him go, if he's decided that that is really what he wants. I will let him know, in a loving way, that I will go on with my life and if he ever feels that his choice could have been a mistake I hope that he will let me know and give us the chance to meet and see if there is anything still there.
Any thoughts on this?
I'm sorry to say it this way, but here's a good guideline-
DO: Validate his feelings DON'T: Share your feelings
"I love you enough to let you go" is saying "I love you". Don't. It will be seen as manipulative, controlling, guilting, clinging.
"If you've decided this is what you really want" is pleading, dismissing. He's told you with both his words and actions. You say you are listening...but then you act as if he hasn't made it clear.
"If he ever feels his choice is a mistake" is again pleading and dismissing for the same reasons as above. It's you not accepting what he's telling you, and not listening to him. Furthermore, the promise to stand by and be a good plan B only devalues you and enables his lack of commitment.
Look- I know you want to express your feelings. I can't say it any more clearly- DON'T DO IT. ***Trying to share your feelings with him right now will only further demonstrate to him that you don't care how he really feels***. It's funny because even saying "I love you so much I will respect your wishes even though they're not mine" isn't actually respecting his wishes...what would respect his wishes is if you STFU, nodded, validated, and let him go on his way.
Reminder, I say all of this dripping with goodwill.
So that's my guideline for Don'ts. For Do's, see the 'validation checklist'.
How do you get there? Practice ahead of time. Also, make it a mission to be a fact finder. You are there as a news reporter to get the story. You are a private detective. You are a spy. Whatever. You are there to not reveal your secret identity, but to get as much information as possible. The impression he should walk away with is "Wow, she really understood what I was saying. I didn't feel dismissed or controlled. I wonder if she is happy I'm leaving. I wonder if I changed my mind what she would say? Hmmm...she's a good woman and I don't know if she'll be there for me if I change my mind...if deep down I feel I'm making a mistake I better figure it out quick!"...........vs "Of course she still doesn't hear me, she never did during our M, why would this be any different. I didn't expect it to be, I just felt based on what we went through I'd try to explain it to her and be a man about it, but boy am I glad I'll be free from her dismissive and controlling behavior! Time to go check my tinder account!"
Hope this helps. Post often this week for sure and take care of yourself tomorrow.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
