When talking about trying to control outlooks to manage feelings, once again I am drawn to what my IC has repeatedly told me: People aren't afraid of what might happen in the future, they are afraid of being unable to handle the emotions that result from what may happen.
He insists that if we learn that we can deal with our difficult feelings, it will relieve a TON of anxiety, and reduce the need to control everything. He said "they're just feelings, you won't melt, your heart won't stop beating. It may not feel good but you can gain confidence in your ability to deal with them".
So much of what you say is trying to manage things so you don't feel the way you are feeling. What if you just said screw it, and sat with those feelings. Let them overwhelm you a bit. Then wake up the next morning and realize that you're still there, and you're actually ok.
I'm not saying it's one or the other. I think looking at which outlooks are more effective, focusing on things you're appreciative of, and other positive traits that help shift you out of despair are important as well. But I think maybe a blend? Like learn to be ok with feeling bad as that is a natural and important reaction, but then after you've let them wash over you a bit and you've 'acclimated' to those feelings (so you know you're not just reacting out of terror), refocus your mind and just set them aside. And don't be afraid that they might return. THEY WILL. But then you can do this again.
When you learn to be ok even when you're not ok...you'll find yourself gaining confidence and feeling better and better able to meet life on life's terms. And I think this is a good R skill to develop as well, as so much of the destructive behavior we did was trying to control our spouse to make sure we didn't experience feelings we didn't like. Lot of parallels.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
